Its so hard to say it. The word Goodbye!

Goodbye to you my trusted friend

We've known each other since we were nine or ten

Together we've climbed hills and trees

Learned of love and ABC's

Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees

Goodbye my friend it's hard to die

When all the birds are singing in the sky

Now that spring is in the air

Pretty girls are everywhere

Think of me and I'll be there

We had joy, we had fun

we had seasons in the sun

But the hills that we climbed

We’re just seasons out of time

Its so hard to say it.  The Word goodbye. It seems final.  Tyron Edwards said “Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven. The finality is challenging. It also means change and change is not easy to accept.   What is it, exactly, that makes this so hard? I am 54 years old, married, two kids, and my cholesterol level is just high enough for me to feel both mature and appropriately worried about how this is going to end

I still remember the last day of school so many years ago. We stood in four or five rows the short ones, the sporty ones and the brilliant ones in front – they got to sit with the pretty teachers and us dumb guys grinning at the back. We all knew it was the last day we’ed meet as school mates. I also knew when I get up the next morning I would never return to this place again or see the faces of my classmates in a row as a student and I was sad, terribly sad. People say look ahead. All I could do was look back and believe me I cried and that is they say not the mark of a man. I had closed one chapter in my life - one filled with exploration, development, struggles, and growth. For so many of my fellow classmates, we had been together since kindergarten. We journeyed together, watching each other grow through the innocence of childhood, to the prejudices that develop as young adults. We went from adorable five year olds without a care in the world, to the awkwardness of puberty and the struggles to live up to societal stereotypes. They were like an old sweater or jeans – comfortable.

It happened to me again each when I graduated only then the goodbye meant much more, I was going to leave the safety and security of my friends, my family and go out into the big bad world – literally I would have to fend for myself. The anxiety made it that much harder to say good bye.

The problem is “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” And in my life of 54 years like in yours, there have been many chapters – My infancy, My truancy, My school days, My college years, My working years and My Marriage and my infamous affair with the Toastmasters. Each of them has an important place in my book. Each time I’ve had to say goodbye, it stuck in my throat like the proverbial adam’s apple.

Goodbye is really hard when you have to say good bye to life. I was in Bangalore, angling for a job in Mangalore to look after my parents when I received a call we all dread – My mother had died.

I was not completely surprised as she had been in a coma for three months but I felt hurt that I didn’t say good bye.  She was in a coma and When my wife and I visited the previous week on the evening we left to Bangalore, her eyes were open and it seemed as if she was looking at us.  She must have been saying goodbye. My relationship with her was invaluable. It was a profund part of who I was of my growth from  rambunctious child to a young married adult. She was a constant source of joy, love, and support, one I came not only to rely on, but also cherish. I loved her as Im sure she loved me.  A part of me died with her that day. I never questioned her love for me; it was incredibly evident each and every time I was in her presence. And while that was a comforting reminder, the loss was intense. I lost my composure several times during her funeral. But deep down she had suffered enough. I said my goodbyes posthumously but what did it mean?

With the last box loaded on to the moving truck, our house appeared just as it did when we first moved in—empty. We had lived in that one bed room apartment in Bengaluru for 12 years. From the time we got married to the time 4 years after the birth of our second child. As we meandered from one room to the next greeted by the sound of a faint echo, my wife and I tried our best to hold back the tears to no avail. We remembered how we first felt as young homeowners. There was an air of excitement and a feeling of accomplishment swirling around the empty rooms of our new home. We celebrated birthdays and anniversaries, we learnt about living with each other, hosted weekend parties for family and friends and grew older while our love grew stronger.  It was a place of solace from the busy and harsh world outside – a place where I could have a drink in peace. It was another goodbye I dreaded but had to accomplish – You may think its to an inanimate object but it was more than that – there were so many memories

So saying Goodbye is never easy. Its negative in its connotation in its emotions. Many of you may remember the cartoo Winnie the Pooh – that cute little teddy bear. The author AA Milne has a different take on the word goodbye. Author A.A. once wrote:  “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

While saying goodbye does mean accepting that a part of our life is now over, it also provides us with a chance to realize just how blessed our lives have been. To look back and reflect on the journeys we’ve shared with some wonderful people, while being exposed to amazing and invaluable experiences we often take for granted. 

How I enjoyed and grew with my friends, enjoyed the nurturing care of my mother and the life we led in that one bedroom apartment. How blessed I am to have those memories and experiences

Regardless of how long someone has been a part of our lives, whether it’s five minutes, five years, or five decades, their impact will always remain with us—even after we utter that simple, yet hard to say, two-syllable word.

My stories above are but a small snapshot of the many times during my personal journey when I’ve struggled to utter the word “goodbye.”

The quote below, from Walt Disney, has continually provided me comfort on days when I’m feeling sad and lonely and need a little reminder of the blessings I’ve been bestowed, which no one can ever take away.

“Goodbye may seem forever. Farewell is like the end, but in my heart is the memory and there you will always be.”