Happily ever After

Last year my son came up to me, out of the blue, when his mother was not around and told me Dad I am getting married... I looked at him in awe. He was 25. I was 26 when I got married.

Before I could say, you're mad or awesome - I didn’t say it - so I don’t know which word I'd have chosen, the Statement was followed by a question, Dad will I be happy?  He had a sheepish look on his face.   

He knew, much like an umpire in a one day match, on the fifth ball in the final over, with one ball, one wicket and one run to go, he had already made his lbw decision - the finger was up, but he was still unsure if the ball would have hit the stumps or not!  Don’t worry I told him. You've already made a decision, and batsman is out and the match is over. In a way that's good, coz you may never raise your finger, much less your hand again!

Contest master, fellow toastmasters and my dear friends, in that moment I felt pity for him and for myself – I knew that if I googled it, and I’m sure he had already tried, he would not have found the answer.  So I did what I did best – beat around the bush. 

I looked him up and down, and with gentle voice I said Baba, you have more experience of pain than I had at your age and that’s a good thing - You've already pierced your ear, and you've already bought jewellery for your ear – So you’ve already experienced marriage in a way. That’s a huge step forward. But as to whether you'll be happy... I'll give you an answer, if you tell me why you chose to ask me this question in your mother's absence! 

Again he looked at me strangely.  I anticipated that you would ask me many questions, but not that one Dad, he said. I don’t really know what he meant but I guess he hinted that I already knew the answer.

Now answer my question, he raised his voice, which he rarely did. Obviously he was getting agitated.  I wanted him to figure out the answer himself so I asked him a counter question – Why do husbands die before their wives? I asked him… I don’t know he said. I then had to answer my own question – They want to!.  Bemused he said, Dad, that’s no answer.

So I was not going to get out of this trap easily – reminded me of when my wife told me to explain about the birds and the bees to him.  I found it easier to answer his questions then – all I had to say was if you have experienced the sting of a bee and heard the bird sing at the same time you’ve experienced it all my son.  But this question was oh so difficult!  It was in the realm of a google interview question no less. 

So I tried a different tack. My son was a voracious reader, but not recently. Recently he had fallen in love and had no need for his childhood fairy tales! He was in a real one! So I asked him, you used to love fairy tales and you use to believe in those fairy princesses, with long black hair, lovely moon like eyes, and lips like ripe red cherries! And tall dark handsome princes with rippling biceps and immense fighting skills... Have you stopped believing? Did she lose her sandals or did you look in the mirror this morning? Why the doubt?   He didn’t bat an eyelid. He asked me a counter question – They are fairy tales no? Not love stories – you know how those end…

You’re a pessimist I said, getting irritated. Not like that Dad, he said. I've seen the way you and mum are the happiest couple around (He didn’t say around me!) and I wonder if I can match that. You all don’t argue at all. That’s the doubt!

 Oh, I loved the compliment. I thought I needed to butt in and clarify the situation. Of course we are happy and argument is important, and I do argue with her often, to ensure our marriage stays healthy,. But I do that only when she’s not around!

I thought it best to end this complicated conversation as soon the red flag would enter the room!  With that thought at the back of my mind I told him a secret! There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage so don’t try both times and you have a fighting chance of staying happy. But one bit of advice, don’t get married to stay happy yourself, get married to make her happy, and you’ll never have this doubt again!