No Testing, No Tasting, Easy Peasy!

My favourite alcohol bottle has a label – It reads peter scot and tells the world that its alcohol content is 47.5%. Peter to my mind is distinguished, Scottish sounding and smooth and doesn’t leave a hangover. It’s true I don’t have one this morning but that is because I didn’t visit Peter last night!

 My neighbour’s house is called Prem Vihar – It’s on the pillar.  To my mind the couple inside built this house with their hard earned money brick by brick and they are very loving couple. I’d seen them so too. But not anymore. They are separated. The house is still called Prem Vihar.

I have a pair of shoes that have a black panther drawn across them and are empossed Puma. I did not wear them today as you may get the impression – that I am quick on the sports field.  In actual fact the only animal I can beat in a running race is a tortoise!

Now a days everything has a label. Just visit the supermarket and you will get an idea of the number of labels in existence - Low fat, high fat, Clean active and so on. The label tells you at a glance what to expect of its contents, or if doesn’t, you associate characteristics with the label, based on past experience in your head so that you can make instant decisions rightly or wrongly. The label also plays a big part in adding to the cost or subtracting from it.

But it’s not only inanimate objects that have a label.  Human labels are a plenty. Bully, Dumbo, Fatso, nerd, sicko, psycho, miser, athlete, beauty, bomb, sexy.. even Religious and Racial labels – Hindu, Muslim Christian, White black, Chinky. All Labels – Have you not been labelled – maybe in school, in college at the work place and even in the family – If you do things a particular way always and with attention to detail,  your family labels you an ocd.

So whats wrong with labelling? First lets get whats right. It helps you categorise things and people alike.  Like the books in your school bag – so that you can pull out the Maths notes book in an instant when the teacher says so and the Maths text book when she says so!

 So that you can make instant judgements. Let’s say you want to get your son or daughter married and you are out looking for a spouse.  You decide what’s good for him or her based on the label. If you are a Christian – then any other religious label may not do because of differences in perception, culture and attitude to spousal duties? Pre conceived yes, Judgemental yes, but easy isn’t it?

No tasting, no testing, no work involved just decision making.  Easy Peasy

Secondly if the labels are positive – studious, early bloomers, excellent with numbers, good cricket potential, if the labels are repeatedly sounded, in the presence of the labelled, then it sinks into them and they tend to become what they are naturally not perhaps. So its good. This was seen in an experiment by Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson – They have a long term positive effect.

It would be impossible to catalogue the information we process during our lives without the aid of labels like "friendly," "deceitful," "tasty," and "harmful." But it's important to recognize that the people we label as "black," "white," "rich," poor," smart," and "simple," seem blacker, whiter, richer, poorer, smarter, and simpler merely because we've labeled them so.

Is it simpler to put ourselves and others into boxes of predetermined ideas? Is it easier to think we really know ourselves and others than to actually know them, genuinely and intimately? It seems for most of us that it is. But really, it is not.

How many times have you been labeled –‘slow’, ‘fat’, ‘bad’, ‘selfish’, ‘lazy’, ‘incompetent’? How has it felt? How has it held you back, kept you down? Have those labels – and countless more – made you feel unworthy, insignificant, ashamed, disregarded, suspect? Have they made you feel restricted, inauthentic, imprisoned?

I was a fatty when I was in School and more often than not, though I was pretty good at certain sports like TT Badminton and cricket I was left out of most teams as the captains felt by the look of me that I would not be able to deliver. Judgements were made, and decisions were arrived at on the spot. No testing no Tasting – Easy Peasy. But they affected me!

Can you tell a man or woman’s belief system from the way they look or the colour of their skin. These categories no basis in biology because all blood is red but they nonetheless go on to determine the social, political, and economic wellbeing of their members.

As Ronit Baras puts it, we can all too easily get "trapped by labels". Most troubling, these labels can follow us throughout our lives, long after the label has been lifted.

It’s not only that others label us. We label ourselves Are you a successful career woman, a super mom, a loser, an ugly person, a sex bomb, a “fatty”, a good-for-nothing? We put ourselves in boxes trying to define who we are. We do it to others, and we do it to ourselves. Whether positive or negative, what we whisper to ourselves every day has a great influence on our self-concept, and dictates the direction of our thoughts and actions. More so than the labels attached to us by society. We are what we think we are.

Life is complex and labelling makes things easy.  So my advice to you is label, but label positively.  Yourself and others though labelling others is best avoided – especially children. You live up to the labels you attach to yourself. If you think you’re a winner, even if you’re not, you will act and think like a winner – until you eventually become one. People who like themselves are generally kinder and have a positive outlook. Those who think of themselves kindly are happier.  So  when you look in the mirror next label yourself,  Achiever, Beautiful, Generous, Giving, Compassionate, Friendly, Capable, Intelligent, Smart, etc and youll be a winner.

No testing, No tasting, Easy Peasy.

Its so hard to say it. The word Goodbye!

Goodbye to you my trusted friend

We've known each other since we were nine or ten

Together we've climbed hills and trees

Learned of love and ABC's

Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees

Goodbye my friend it's hard to die

When all the birds are singing in the sky

Now that spring is in the air

Pretty girls are everywhere

Think of me and I'll be there

We had joy, we had fun

we had seasons in the sun

But the hills that we climbed

We’re just seasons out of time

Its so hard to say it.  The Word goodbye. It seems final.  Tyron Edwards said “Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven. The finality is challenging. It also means change and change is not easy to accept.   What is it, exactly, that makes this so hard? I am 54 years old, married, two kids, and my cholesterol level is just high enough for me to feel both mature and appropriately worried about how this is going to end

I still remember the last day of school so many years ago. We stood in four or five rows the short ones, the sporty ones and the brilliant ones in front – they got to sit with the pretty teachers and us dumb guys grinning at the back. We all knew it was the last day we’ed meet as school mates. I also knew when I get up the next morning I would never return to this place again or see the faces of my classmates in a row as a student and I was sad, terribly sad. People say look ahead. All I could do was look back and believe me I cried and that is they say not the mark of a man. I had closed one chapter in my life - one filled with exploration, development, struggles, and growth. For so many of my fellow classmates, we had been together since kindergarten. We journeyed together, watching each other grow through the innocence of childhood, to the prejudices that develop as young adults. We went from adorable five year olds without a care in the world, to the awkwardness of puberty and the struggles to live up to societal stereotypes. They were like an old sweater or jeans – comfortable.

It happened to me again each when I graduated only then the goodbye meant much more, I was going to leave the safety and security of my friends, my family and go out into the big bad world – literally I would have to fend for myself. The anxiety made it that much harder to say good bye.

The problem is “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” And in my life of 54 years like in yours, there have been many chapters – My infancy, My truancy, My school days, My college years, My working years and My Marriage and my infamous affair with the Toastmasters. Each of them has an important place in my book. Each time I’ve had to say goodbye, it stuck in my throat like the proverbial adam’s apple.

Goodbye is really hard when you have to say good bye to life. I was in Bangalore, angling for a job in Mangalore to look after my parents when I received a call we all dread – My mother had died.

I was not completely surprised as she had been in a coma for three months but I felt hurt that I didn’t say good bye.  She was in a coma and When my wife and I visited the previous week on the evening we left to Bangalore, her eyes were open and it seemed as if she was looking at us.  She must have been saying goodbye. My relationship with her was invaluable. It was a profund part of who I was of my growth from  rambunctious child to a young married adult. She was a constant source of joy, love, and support, one I came not only to rely on, but also cherish. I loved her as Im sure she loved me.  A part of me died with her that day. I never questioned her love for me; it was incredibly evident each and every time I was in her presence. And while that was a comforting reminder, the loss was intense. I lost my composure several times during her funeral. But deep down she had suffered enough. I said my goodbyes posthumously but what did it mean?

With the last box loaded on to the moving truck, our house appeared just as it did when we first moved in—empty. We had lived in that one bed room apartment in Bengaluru for 12 years. From the time we got married to the time 4 years after the birth of our second child. As we meandered from one room to the next greeted by the sound of a faint echo, my wife and I tried our best to hold back the tears to no avail. We remembered how we first felt as young homeowners. There was an air of excitement and a feeling of accomplishment swirling around the empty rooms of our new home. We celebrated birthdays and anniversaries, we learnt about living with each other, hosted weekend parties for family and friends and grew older while our love grew stronger.  It was a place of solace from the busy and harsh world outside – a place where I could have a drink in peace. It was another goodbye I dreaded but had to accomplish – You may think its to an inanimate object but it was more than that – there were so many memories

So saying Goodbye is never easy. Its negative in its connotation in its emotions. Many of you may remember the cartoo Winnie the Pooh – that cute little teddy bear. The author AA Milne has a different take on the word goodbye. Author A.A. once wrote:  “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

While saying goodbye does mean accepting that a part of our life is now over, it also provides us with a chance to realize just how blessed our lives have been. To look back and reflect on the journeys we’ve shared with some wonderful people, while being exposed to amazing and invaluable experiences we often take for granted. 

How I enjoyed and grew with my friends, enjoyed the nurturing care of my mother and the life we led in that one bedroom apartment. How blessed I am to have those memories and experiences

Regardless of how long someone has been a part of our lives, whether it’s five minutes, five years, or five decades, their impact will always remain with us—even after we utter that simple, yet hard to say, two-syllable word.

My stories above are but a small snapshot of the many times during my personal journey when I’ve struggled to utter the word “goodbye.”

The quote below, from Walt Disney, has continually provided me comfort on days when I’m feeling sad and lonely and need a little reminder of the blessings I’ve been bestowed, which no one can ever take away.

“Goodbye may seem forever. Farewell is like the end, but in my heart is the memory and there you will always be.”

Fear is the key….

I recall when I was in school that I was afraid of a great many things and I’m pretty sure you were too. Not phobias simple fears that dictate our life. Agree or disagree?

You disagree? – Let me repeat what Jesus said to a crowd who wanted to punish an adulterer who had approached him for forgiveness – Let those of you who have not sinned, cast the first stone!

But let me tell you my story.

The Scene you just saw was when I mustered courage to face a leather cricket ball for the first time. I wanted to play, but I was scared. It was school team selection time. Go Pad up, the coach said, and I did. Unfortunately the guy bowling to me was the fastest bowler in the school at the time.  All kinds of negative thoughts were running around my head, but my body language was positive – Can u face this guy, what if the ball hits you, can u live with broken bones, can u bear the pain - Obviously I flunked, not because I didn’t know how to hold the bat, but I was scared of the speed of the ball and the damage it would cause me, if I missed it with the bat! I feared the unknown

I gave up for three years as I feared failure and humiliation, and then I decided to give it another try.  I flunked again, but with encouragement and support from close friends, and family, and my father who would bowl gentle long hops to me at home, I tried again in the ninth standard and managed to play for the class team if not for the school team at the top of the order – No great success, but I was in the thick of things.

Also in school I found that I couldn’t not look up at tall trees or buildings – there weren’t many in those times without all sort scary thoughts going through my head.

I look reasonably intelligent, now that I wear glasses, but I was at that time too and I realized that it was something about – I must confront my fear. So one day at home, I climbed a tree. Going up I was successful, coming down I got stuck in wedge and I didn’t know how to extricate myself, until someone, I don’t remember who, came and rescued me. I still have the scar – I would have shown you, but Ill have to remove my trousers – so no.

Following that, the most I’ve done is climb the stairs and a ladder.

But don’t ask me to look down from the Burj Khalifa, even if you buy my ticket to Dubai.

We’ve all gone through teenage years – when rejection and failure are two recurring themes.  They manifest in our behavior in various ways and how we overcome these searing feelings during adolescence determines our success or failure later in life.  I too have been through them.

Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the real or imagined threat of danger, pain, or harm and is propelled by our thought process. Like the time before an injection, or your first drive in a car, or a crunch exam or even before you get married – what they call butterflies in the stomach. These simple fears dictate our behavior.

Thoughts are like a leaking bucket full of water…it continuously leaks, you try blocking it with your hand, cloth, even some sealing material, it will still leak.  It reminds me of that old scout song – There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.

60000 thoughts go through our head everyday or around 41 thoughts per minute. Research has shown that Ninety-five percent of these thoughts are repeated daily and 80% percent of those thoughts are negative and lead to sadness, anger, regret and fear. And these thoughts dictate our The other 20% are related to happy moments,

Each one of us has experienced these negative thoughts that bring on the emotion fear – be it rejection, failure, the unknown, emotional commitment.  

It’s a formidable challenge.  Once fear sets in, it’s difficult to shake off and it becomes a mindset. Your mindset in turn governs your actions, which lead to your results in life.

 Fear is therefore the key my friends both to failure and success and the choice before you is fight or flight.   I chose the former.

After working at my career for 22 years in India, building up a strong network both professionally and socially I broke up a chain of thought I was nurturing for all of those years and went to the gulf, leaving everything behind including my family. After six years I returned and from the day I resigned, I was haunted by the fear of the unknown. My wife will bear testimony to that. I was unemployed, for the first time in my life, forgotten in society as I had not been a part of it for some. I rebuilt from there – Thanks to toastmasters and by putting my talents in Media to use .

You want to fight your fears like I did, I’ll give you some tips from my personal experience.

First Breathe, come on try it,

Now block out the negative thoughts,

Take action, however small, like I did,

Compete with yourself – First break zero, then your average,

Finally be different – If you dance without music like I am doing now, people might think you insane, but it will reduce your stress, boost your self esteem, and make you a person to contend with.

See! Im ready to face your thunderbolts – come on bring it on!

Better Naughty than Nice

I am a nice guy. That’s what my wife says. That’s because I am nice to her – most of the time.

I remember when we first got married, many eons ago it seems now, and we moved out of our respective houses to a place in blore, we were on our own for the first time, and there was no hotel worth its salt nearby.  I knew to fry cutlets, but I didn’t know how to make them, so I left it to her to rustle up something for dinner after the cleaning process, which we had undertaken the whole day was over.

Dinner was ready, I was ready. We sat down to eat. She insisted I say the prayer before meals that both of us were taught separately, but now had to say together, in the hope that the Almighty might bless what we were about to eat.  Perhaps he didn’t hear the prayer, or maybe it was too late. I suspect the latter and I hoped fervently that he would perform that wine miracle with the water on the table. But I forgot – I was already married.

As I put the first mouthful of my dinner in my mouth, I turned to my wife and asked – You followed a recipe? She said seriously. Yes. My own. Why is it not nice? It is I said. Just a little salt would have helped. Come on, don’t be sarcastic. It’s not nice I know. I said but it’s nice. She said you are lying. I said no, its nice. She said I don’t believe you. Yes it is, and I am saying it because I am a nice guy. That was it – I got the cold shoulder, the silent treatment and no meals for a couple of days.

I am a nice guy, because we’re taught from a very early age that being nice is a virtue. From the time we were infants, our parents told us to "be nice." They taught us to be polite and to share, and to be considerate and kind. For the most part, it's good advice. Society depends upon civility to function and relationships require mutual respect. However, one can be too nice and when you're too nice, people tend to take advantage of you — women included.

I always thought being nice is a virtue until someone told me I was too nice – She said – Don’t be nice, be naughty, and you’ll have great relationships. She also told me how to recognize the fact. Good Advice. Here’s what she said….

1- You're too respectful

In most social situations, good manners and respect for other people will get you pretty far, but your spouse wants you to be demanding, not always, but on occasions.  She wants a gentleman, but longs for a tiger.  Be one – with restraint….

2- You're too interested

You are too interested in what your partner is doing or going to do than yourself. Initially its fine but it can make you a boring and irritating individual. Get interested in yourself – demand your space and respect hers – that’s what she wants. But don’t call your friends home too often to watch the IPL over a bottle of beer.

3- You're too complimentary

She’s looking terrible, or has dressed terribly or has a bad headache, and you say, you are looking good, when both she and you know she is not. You're being too nice. Every woman loves to be complimented, but every woman also wants your compliments to be genuine. Be authentic, not nice.

4- You're too understanding

She is mean to the neighbor because she is angry, and you have a different point of view. You back her fully – because you are understanding. That's great, but one can be too understanding and that's another one of the signs you're too nice.

5- You're too cheerful

You are always cheerful, with a smile on your face. If you're smiling and cheery all the time, you're too nice. Everyone gets pissed off once in a while. More to the point, sometimes anger is a completely justifiable response.

You need to be nice, yes and I’ve given you tips to realize when you are too nice. The key is to be authentic, not merely nice. Ignore Politically Correct Behavior - be selfish, be critical, be judgmental, and show anger every once in a while – She will know that you are genuine and capable of expression of feeling.

 Let me end with an example that will frame it for you.

Getting back to the years of yore – when we got married, we lived on the second floor of a rudimentary apartment complex and like now – there was a water shortage.  So I requested my parents to send a metal drum from home which promptly arrived by lorry. My wife had a moped and being the kind of bindaas couple we were, we picked it up on the moped – She was riding and I was riding shotgun, drum in hand -  it was huge. Close to home, she braked when on a narrow road she saw a rather large on coming vehicle and we both fell together with the drum on top of me. Bystanders didn’t have mobiles then, so they rushed to help, and helped her up, but left me to get up by myself and dust myself off. Chivalry was not dead, but I almost was!  I can tell you I was not nice. I was not respectful, complimentary, understanding or cheerful. And being in the position I was, not too interested in her situation.

But on this occasion in stark contrast to her usual authentic self, she was really nice – She could afford to be.

TM Brian Fernandes

Winners Club

Love thy neighbour, not thyself…

It was 3 am when the phone rang. Tring Tring Tring Tring it went on. It wouldn’t stop; until I got up. I lifted the Mosquito net and jumped out of bed and rushed into the room where the phone was, leaving the mosquito net swaying in the breeze of the fan. The mosquitos rushed into the reserved compartment. 

I lifted the phone and I heard crying on the other side of the line. Literally sobbing. My irritation at being woken up so late, sorry so early in the morning vanished. Hello, Hello I said. My instrument was the old type and there was no number display so I had no idea who it was that was sobbing at the other end.

I thought it was a wrong number. Then a woman’s voice said “Is that Bradley? Bradley is my son and he was not at home then and had not been at home for some time. The thought came to my mind that my son sounded just like me on the phone and my head started working overtime!  I could have said yes and learnt more, but I am naturally honest – even at that time of the morning when the robbers are most active - so I said no – Its Brian.

She said, “Can you come here? My husband has had a heart attack” and she started sobbing again”.  Straight away I said I’m coming right away and put the phone down.  It was then I realised I didn’t know who it was that had called! And I didn’t know where to go!

I was confused. After the advent of mobile age, I am not very small talk friendly with the neighbours to know her voice intimately. But I could not ask who it was. Not at the time. For one it would have been inappropriate, second I completely forgot!

I racked my brains and came up with a strong possibility. By that time my wife had gotten up and I dumped my theory on her.  She supported my theory, which was surprising given past experience but she also berated me for not asking the most important question! That was not surprising.

I grabbed the car keys and I drove the car down the road to the neighbour’s house three houses away. It happened to be a neighbour I was not particularly fond off as there were occasions when it was reported to us that this particular neighbour had been bad mouthing us.  But this was not the time for pricked egos.

My wife had already reached by foot. Her husband was barely conscious and we shifted him in the car to the nearest hospital – Fr. Muller. Today he is hale and hearty to use the correct word and the neighbours are extremely grateful. But that’s not the point.

The Bible in Mark 12:31 gives us Christian’s two commandments – the first Love your God with all your heart and the second is this: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ I’ve learnt this commandant in my catechism class in school and I’ve never forgotten it. I’ve always believed in it and in fact my neighbour demonstrated its efficacy in her adolescent years though later on she changed her neighbourhood!  There’s also the story of my friends neighbour – While he owned a black male Labrador, his neighbour owned a female golden retriever. You can imagine the neigbourly bust up when the Golden retriever produced six black puppies despite a high wall and being chained.

G K Chesterton the British writer turned this universal commandment on its head when he said “The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people,”

Come on let’s admit it. We have a variety of neighbours from the grumpy old man who never smiles, or the conceited neighbour who is the self-appointed bully of the road or lane, or the neighbour who constantly finds fault with going on’s across his wall and complains incessantly, miserly woman next door who will ask without restraint but give with reluctance, or the couple next door who speak ill of everyone else in the neighbourhood. And yet they are all kind and helpful when required. Among these negatives there are positives too, some who go out of the way to help to share to know and to understand also help you spend your time, precious or otherwise!

GKC put it very well when he said - “Your next-door neighbour is not a man; he is an environment. He is the barking of a dog; he is the noise of a piano; he is a dispute about a party wall; he is drains that are worse than yours, or roses that are better than yours.” Reminds you of Pakistan and China?

So despite their dark sides, and the love hate relationship we share with them, we must improve our association with them – greet them well, share our produce, our news, our views, the market rates and the daily small happenings in our lives and perhaps not put a password for the wifi!

For whom else do we have to depend on in these lonely times? The children are out or small, parents are aged or it is just us a couple lost in our own worlds. What makes neighbours the people we cannot ignore is the fact that the neighbours are our only immediate recourse in an emergency situation especially in cases with households with small children, aged parents or just the parents in the nest as was the case with the couple in trouble. How true are the words, “Far better a neighbour that is near than a brother far off.” 

God gave us two commandments I give you a third – Love your neighbour, not thyself!

Every Breath You take, Every Speech You Make, We are Watching You….

A winner to my mind is someone who wins a competition, but with one rider - a competition with himself / herself not another. In an external competition, one may lose, for only one can win - that is the kind of life we have set up for ourselves - from LKG to a  performance appraisal and extreme unction - life is a series of competitions with others around and afar. We compete for attention, love, fame, money, comfort and what we consider a great quality of life, which is a variable based on perspective and personality.

In toastmasters worldwide, not just at the winners club, winning is the key.... The club's name however does to add to the pressure to win. Winning at winners, I have learnt in my two and half years here, is all about competing to be a better toastmaster... with yourself not with another – it’s therapeutic – Most clubs in movements other than the Toastmasters teach you and often compel you to compete against others.

The key take away then from this article is – learn to step out of your comfort zone each time it is time for you to speak. Every Speech you make, Every Breath you take.. must be an occasion to win against yourself - maybe with help of a mentor, evaluator, public speaking tips from the web expert google or just by observing and listening to speeches of value from all the other clubs and or all on your own.  It’s all about noting the criticism, bettering your performances, working on weaknesses and moulding your strengths. At the end of it all you will be a winner – every time you step on to the stage. But how do you compete against yourself? Simple – by excluding others from the competition. Focus solely on your last performance or the lack of it and compete against that. As you do that regularly, you will start to rely on yourself to win. That is the power of internal competition.

Let’s take your first speech. You have to begin by writing it down, unless you’ve done it before. Even then it’s best written down – it will add structure to your free flowing thought. So first things first… write your speech. Maybe you have never written one in your life. So that’s where the competition begins.. You have to step out of your comfort zone (I’ve never done it so I’d rather not) and get into the unknown - accept this change of environment enthusiastically and it will become an unforgettable adventure - where you can learn even if you fail - reject it, or accept it reluctantly (a case of you have to do it because you’ve paid the fees) and it will end up being torture that must be done with soonest. Begin by looking at others speeches on the internet - substitute your life for theirs and get the help of a Mentor - There are many veterans of the Toastmasters movement ever willing to help out if you meet them half way. You won’t be spoon fed but your mentor is most likely to sit with you at the table and help you swallow the gruel. 

Then the day arrives - you have been given a slot to speak. You are making your first speech in public. You have memorized and practiced - you have never done it before, your language is poor - you think in the vernacular and have to speak in the Queens language (not necessarily Queen Victoria though) - your mind is numb with fear and your memorized speech goes for a toss. You feel embarrassed, you feel like a worm, you’ve seen so many brilliant speeches before you and here you are incompetent and unable to stand and deliver when it matters most – That’s the moment when you will give up and tell yourself that competition is not for me. But that’s also the time you must tell yourself you are a winner – and you will breast the finishing tape. You do it once, you will do it again and again – breaking barriers – your self-imposed barriers and forging ahead, till the day comes, when you will have to search for an element to best yourself.  

It is at this moment, that a winner could become a loser – He / She knows it all, has done it all, and he / she stops learning, stops competing and becomes static in a dynamic world.  That is not the culture of the winners club nor the toastmaster’s movement – so never stop competing…against yourself.

Come on, we are watching you – every breath you take, every speech you make…