Man-O-Pause

We’ve all played housie. It’s a number game. I’m intrigued by two numbers on the ticket – because of what the announcer without fail repeats when he comes to those numbers. He says Eyes down for your next number - Men get naughty at four O, forty he announces and I quietly tick the number on my ticket, I feel al tingly  inside!.  Your next number, half way home five zero, Fifty. Man! It gives me pause – man o pause. In the space of a decade I have gone from naughty to dotty!

I’m the type of guy who likes to get on with life rather than pause so I wondered if I am going thru a midlife crisis -  the numbers were just about right, but what about the rest?  Now, come to think of it, there were warning signs  –

·         My career had plateaued, not that I was on Mount Everest, or even Kanchenjunga it was more like Chamundi Betta.

·         The controlling hormone in me suddenly had started to act up. It allowed a few parts of my body to suddenly fail, while maintaining the rest of me in good condition – Hair grew where it is not supposed to and refused to where it once used to – the nose and the ears, and the head and my feet got tangled on the dance floor, without a drink!

·         I began to forget - If you are married you and over forty you’ll have noticed this problem - when you wake up you wonder who the hell is  sleeping next to you. 

·         I changed physically  -  I grew in the middle and shrank everywhere else.  I didn’t really struggle to stay in shape, because I felt comfortable with the thought that round is a shape.

·         My prism had a new design – it had become a monochromatic grey – Perhaps I couldn’t see clearly or it had become my defining colour.

·         One more symptom I noticed that perhaps was related to the Man O pause. When I was younger, let’s say in my teens I looked at older women as prospective life partners – both the one I fell in love with and the one I married, unluckily perhaps the same woman, were older. But by the time I paused to rewind, I had a problem with numbers – I began to prefer the smaller numbers to the bigger ones!  But that I guess can be normal - My research tells me that at 16, boys seek women who are roughly two years older than them. This age gap narrows to zero by the time we are 24 and thereafter we prefer younger women, with the age gap progressively increasing to only 12 years by our own old age.

·         But now I’m often more irritable and angry than before, especially when I have to get up and go for an early morning TM meet. Thank God today’s meet is in the evening – My wife is a counsellor, and when I’m irritable she says – it’s the sign of your midlife crisis – what you need to do is quickly cross it and go on to the other side -  I was not sure if she was referring to my age or some kind of immovable property not located on this planet!

My symptoms suggest to me I have a full blown midlife crisis. “A person often makes an impulsive decision uncharacteristically or changes their lifestyle dramatically,” says Sheila K. Collins, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of Stillpoint: The Dance of Self-Caring and Self-Healing.  Did I do that, I asked myself, and the answer is yes. Back in 2012, joining toastmasters was an uncharacteristic and impulsive decision that changed my lifestyle….totally. 

It’s time to pause, fast forward and play! And everyone is encouraging me do that, except my children – they want me to pause… which I’ve already done, rewind and play. I laugh it off but stay positive as my research shows that midlife unhappiness patterns, have a “U-shaped curve” with a very clear low period during midlife. So if I make it through this rough period, according to the study,  by the time I turn 70, I’ll experience the happiness and mental health of a 20-year old! Wow that’s something to live for – and Ill be looking for older women all over again!

Demonetization – A transaction analysis approach to understanding the decision!

Demonetization – A transaction analysis approach to understanding the decision!

Transactional Analysis is a concept developed by Eric Berne in the 1950’s and from there corporate managers began to use it to improve interactions among individuals on teams and between teams.  It fell into a state of disuse because of its complexity.  However it has its usefulness in understanding democratic interactions and decision making.

TA categorizes and calibrates ego into three basic states – the Parent, the Adult and the Child and suggests that interactions are dependent on the ego state of the individuals concerned.  Knowledge of one’s own ego state can also lend its philosophy to manipulation of others.

Berne suggested that three basic personalities or ego states operate in an individual and his attitude and behaviour flows from his ego state.

Basic Personality/ Ego State	Characteristic Attitude	Feelings behaviour and langauge
PARENT	Critical Parent	makes rules and sets limits
		disciplines, judges and criticises
	Nurturing Parent	advises and guides
		protects and nurtures
ADULT		concerned with data and facts
		considers options and estimates probabilities
		makes unemotional decisions
		plans and makes things happen
CHILD	Free (Natural) Child	fun-loving and energetic
		creative and spontaneous
	Adapted Child	compliant and polite
		rebellious and manipulative

Berne also said that life positions that individuals take flow from these ego states as follows

I'M NOT OK  -  YOU'RE OK	I'M OK  -  YOU'RE OK
"I wish I could do that as well as you do" – Let me get away from others	"Hey, we're making good progress now" – I get on well with others.
I'M NOT OK -  YOU'RE NOT OK	I'M OK - YOU'RE NOT OK
"Oh this is terrible - we'll never make it" – We’re going nowhere	"You're not doing that right - let me show you" – Get rid of others

It’s true that people move around from one life position to another, depending on the situation, but there is always a pre disposed position or a preferred position that people tend to revert to, based on early life experiences. So basically our life positions determine our attitudes and pre disposed life positions influence our attitudes to the world at large greatly.

The  "I'm OK, you're OK" kind of people get on with life as adults. They're confident and happy about life and work, and interact by collaboration and mutual respect, even when they disagree.

The “I'm OK, you're not OK" people tend to be smug and superior.  They belittle others, who they view as incompetent and untrustworthy, and are often competitive and power-hungry. They talks about others from a position of superiority considering themselves perfect in relation to others, hence their decisions and their interactions may not reflect reality as it exists on the ground. Many managers and persons in authority fall in this trap. Games they play are include playing the victim or the rescuer.

The I'm not OK, you're OK"  people often feel sad, inadequate or even stupid in comparison to others.  They undervalue their skills and contribution and withdraw from problems.

And the last “I'm not OK, you're not OK" people feel confused or aimless.  They don't see the point of doing anything, and so usually don't bother. They drift.

Berne suggested that all communication (he called them transactions) between people are characterised by the Ego State of the two participants.  Incidentally they also determine the style of decision making and interaction and if one were to apply this Transactional Analysis theory to the Demonetization decision and subsequent controversy the following conclusions can be reached.

a.    Given the background above, it would seem that the decision was taken from the decision maker’s life position of “I’m ok, you’re not ok”.  The Chronology, the aftermath and the pronouncements of the leadership support this conclusion.  Leadership Speeches in India, starting with the dramatic announcement of demonetization on November 8^th, and surprisingly and painfully in Japan too, suggested that all of India was corrupt and the corrupt must be punished.  It was the critical parent talking – taking a critical position, and promising retribution for bad behaviour and then setting limits – like parents often do with their children, perhaps missing the point that Indians do need to be dealt with as adults.

b.    The decisions in the aftermath of this earth quaking decision, were like aftershocks, changing in reach and magnitude from day to day. From being called criminals to be marked as criminals on their fingers came from a smug and superior position – a position of strength that cannot be argued with, in the parliament or outside especially on social media.  All opposition, or question marks on the decision were belittled with a counter question – are you with the hoarders or with the clean up?

c.    Then came the games people play, incidentally another book by Eric Berne, where the manipulative tendencies came to the fore. The decision maker justified the move by playing the victim, then the resucer, as he promised that the honest would be spared and would live happily ever after and finally the persecutor – a role he started with – You made me do this by your bad behaviour. Sample these Leadership Quotes and draw your own conclusions:

·         I was not born to sit on a chair of high office. Whatever I had, my family, my home...I left it for the nation

·         Yes I also feel the pain. These steps taken were not a display of arrogance. I have seen poverty & understand people's problems

·         We took a key step to help the honest citizen of India defeat the menace of black money

·         Previous governments neglected this; Did I hide anything? We took a key step to help honest citizen to defeat the menace of graft.

·         Why do we have to put the future of our youth at stake? Those who want to do politics are free to do so.

·         This suffering is for 50 days; After cleanliness, not even a mosquito can fly; People in 2G scam have to stand in queue for Rs 4,000.

·         If I commit any mistake, I am ready to face any punishment the country will give me. But I promise to deliver corruption-free India.

·         I know the forces up against me, they may not let me live, they may ruin me because their loot of 70 years is in trouble, but I am prepared.

·         The people have chosen a government and they expect much from it. In 2014, many people voted to free the nation from corruption... If any money that was looted in India and has left Indian shores, it is our duty to find out about it.

·         They think they can stop Modi by creating hurdles and harrowing me. I will not be cowed down. I will not stop doing these things, even if someone were to set me on fire alive

So what can we expect down the line? More of the same. For people who are in this life position, have a “perfection driver, and their personal strivings makes others seem less perfect. Note the 24 hour work days, the smug speeches, the “I” vehicle of change. Taibi Kahler identified this as one of five drivers in the field of Transactional Analysis.

They believe that they must succeed in everything they do, and be hailed as wonderful and correct in every way, even though what they do may not deserve that praise.  They are generally neat and well-groomed and display an ever so slight hint of narcissism never completely satisfied with what they do or have achieved and so work very hard.  However they also are very scared of failure, or losing control and therefore over compensate in so many different ways especially while exercising control. The Demonetization decision is a case in point!

Demonetization may be good for some, bad for others, and according to most will bring long term gain with short term pain. Only time will tell. However speculation is rife about the next moves in the game of money – but given the ego states from which the leadership operates, brace for more and as you complete the non-monetary transaction with the leadership, it’s best you respond, not react!

Demonetization - Putting the cart before the horse

The story of the 2016 demonetization scheme in India is similar to the cropping paddy. The plants are ripped out when the produce is ripe with no warning and the same rice is resowed only to be ripped out again come harvest season. In between they are at the mercy of natural elements, with no protection or fall back options, unless grown in a rich farmer's field, where pumped water and rich fertilizer abound for nurture. It would appear then, from all accounts of the chaos that ensued after the decision was made, that the Government in taking and executing this momentous and as the social media army call it, historic decision has put the cart before the horse.  Let’s see how.

Black money has two components. One, money derived from criminal acts like smuggling, bribery, sale of drugs etc. and the other from the evasion of taxes. Evasion of taxes is primarily a system problem. Indians are the saving kind and will adopt any means to save money including avoiding paying taxes which again has two reasons. If they pay the full component of tax they literally have nothing left in the kitty to consume or keep up with their neighbours, as what remains after paying income taxes is taxed at an extremely high level indirectly when they purchase goods and services, including strangely, a life insurance policy. The other, unlike in Western countries where too the tax component is high, the return in the form of amenities provided for the tax paid is very little.  This is evidenced by the roads, the health care system, and the education system and many other public amenities which are by and large non-existent or minimally present. All the tax money is wasted on sops for vote banks. So one can't really blame the people of the country or hold them responsible for not wanting to pay taxes and punish them. It’s insensitive of those who wield power over the taxpayers’ money! The system needs a clean-up and tax paid must have a visible return. Then things will change. Because after paying the correct taxes you probably will still have to bribe, perhaps because the system is not yet fixed, which leads us to the second dimension of Black Money - it does not really exist!

Yes it does not! But what goes around comes around….The Colour of the money depends on the hand that holds it. In the RBI's hand, like it is now post demonetization, there is only one colour, irrespective of legality - White! In one person's hand, if undeclared in an IT return or taxes are not paid on it, it turns black. Should the person holding it invest it in gold, land, or even in the purchase of white goods, or even a movie ticket, it turns white as it converts itself into a legitimate asset to have to hold from that day on! It’s not the money per se, but the process and the person that needs to be targeted or you'll be throwing the baby out with the bath water, especially if you empty 86% of the bath tub as this government has done with its rather unprovoked scheme of demonetization that should have and could have come after the many avenues for generation were tightened to a hair’s width.

What needs to be done there is twofold - strike at the root of the problem - areas like political funding, higher education professional fees, the undervaluation of land deals, the professional sector (the accounting, health care and legal sector), the government procurement and licensing sector and purchase of gold.  Each of these sectors should have first been targeted with a series of measures before demonetization. In addition, taxes should have been rationalized, reduced, exemptions eradicated and if possible, income tax eliminated altogether by piggy backing it as an expenditure tax on the GST slabs proposed.  It’s simple and easy to do. It can widen the base, eradicate harassment and lower the effective tax rate all in one go. It will also spare the poor - Please read this article (http://www.newskarnataka.com/opinion/its-time-to-abolish-income-tax-but-how) written as far back as May 2015.

Let’s see what perhaps should have and could have been done in each of these sectors prior to demonetization:

1. Political Funding:

Presently, funding below a cap of Rs: 20000 is non transparent - It is easy to change that especially with the majority that this government enjoys - No political party can argue with it as they are doing now without being labeled a black sheep. Yet not a word spoken on that either before demonetization or after. Getting political parties covered under the RTI would be the next step.

2. Education Capitation fees / Charitable Institutions:

Remove the education sector and charitable institutions from the Indian Trusts Act 1182 and Public Charitable Trust Act 1950 and move them into the Companies Act with a few exemptions. The disclosures and compulsions of the Companies Act will automatically strengthen transparency. Tax exemptions can continue to be provided to subsidize the sector however.

3. Undervaluation of land deals:

The problem with the real estate sector is the valuation, which is determined by demand and supply and fluctuates from location to location, from day to day and from every other angle possible including Vaasthu compliance.  It is not easy to determine or fix to prevent evasion by the buyer who would like to reduce his costs to the maximum, as also his desire to dispose of undeclared income he has earned elsewhere through his services in cash or through any other means including other land deals in cash.

The seller is often left with no choice whatsoever in the matter.  For example a healthcare professional, who generates undeclared wealth through his professional services rendered in cash may invest the same in the real estate sector purchasing a piece of land from a seller. Here he is hoping to convert his black money into white (through a purchase of DD in cash) / dispose it off partially (through the payment of the balance in black) even as he saves money on the stamp value. He is killing a lot of birds with one stone.  Ultimately the money starts circulating without a government record painting it black.  Although a state subject, it can be rather easily addressed if the stamp value is made inversely progressive - pay less stamp duty for higher value purchases with all properties being linked to the Aadhar no.

An additional liability is that of the Real Estate broker. For very little service, he charges a fee of 2% and demands that it be paid in cash. He does not have a professional licence, often does not have a registered office and yet makes a mountain of cash from literally nothing. This then circulates and comes around.  This must be regulated by the Real estate bill - where all such brokers are registered and licenced with an authority and have to submit annual returns to the authority concerned.

4. Professional services for cash:

This is one of the biggest areas of black money generation.  Professional services in the health care sector, legal, accounting and some other informal sectors including as bribes are largely based on cash transactions. Declaration of cash received for services is uneven and the undeclared portion as in the case of bribes in the government sector, goes to finance consumption of luxury goods and in some cases charitable causes. Eradicating these practices will prove more difficult than others, but can be tackled if income tax is abolished in its present form and it is piggy backed on the GST as an additional layered tax - there is no other way.  This will also sort out the unreported income in the rural sector.

5. Government Procurement and Licensing sector

The Times of India has reported that an engineer in Uttar Pradesh Government speaking anonymously said "A bribe is not a taboo in a government job". That perhaps sums it up.  Government has made a beginning with auctions of the resources of the country. Cannot the auction system be applied to the procurement sector too? It can is my guess, through a reverse auction or e-auction process. It is now standard practice worldwide and must be done even at the urban local bodies. Licensing and inspection must be brought down to a minimum through the streamline of various processes and the removal of discretionary powers of the concerned authorities.  Easy enough to do.

The regulatory and prosecutory mechanism too needs to be strengthened. Delays beyond 12 months must be eliminated statutorily for any deterrent to be effective. The investigative mechanism is non-existent presently. The Lok Pal Act is an example of poor execution and in the light of the haste with which demonetization has been introduced, begs the question as to why it is hanging fire. It is also noted that it has been amended recently to give added protection to the wrong doer!  Indeed the Supreme Court on 23.11.2016 castigated the government for the delay in the appointment of the Lok Pal and said it would itself act to appoint one if there was further delay, which might in the end be a good thing!

It’s only in the railways that an engine pushes the train forward from behind, but perhaps the government expected the horse to learn the tricks of the trade quickly? But while the train moves on tracks that are laid out as per a plan, the horse has to push the cart forward uphill on a bumpy and pot holed road that often disappears mid-way!

Happy Teachers’ Day: To Sir with love

The tag line of the hit 1967 film ‘To Sir with love’, starring Sidney Poiter, goes like this: “A story as fresh as the girls in their mins, and as cool as their teacher had to be”. It’s the story of a teacher who became one not by choice, but by circumstance, moulding a class of hyper active students rejected by other schools into achievers, and more importantly human beings. He remains a teacher for life.

While the world celebrates international Teacher’s Day on the 15th of October, India celebrates it on the 5th of September, which is also the birthday of the famous teacher, academic philosopher and the second President of India, Dr Sarvepalli Radhakrishan.

Once a teacher always a teacher, that’s how powerful the pull towards the vocation can be. But let me provide perspective through verse aptly titled “Despite Me” before I continue.

It’s been so long since I’ve been to school
And I marvel now, that if I didn’t,
Would people think me a fool?
Maybe yes, maybe not,
Coz life too has taught me a lot.

But my parents weren’t all that cool,
And despite my protests they sent me to school
And all I can say, it started there
My learning of life, for life
My lack of ability laid thread bare.

I had thought I was really good,
Didn’t realise could be bad nor better,
Till my teacher one day,
Was terribly rude. I then asked my mother,
But what did I do?

At home till then, I was
a rising star, allowed my every mood.
Like a potter, she moulded me
Like a shepherd, she herded me
Leading me to where I’d be
Were it not for me.

I’m grateful now, for I’ve become
What once I thought I’d be
Because of her,
And despite me.

Our education begins in the laps of our mothers, those of us who are lucky not to be abandoned. We learn about what’s right and wrong, and the short from long. This is the phase we probably enjoy the most. For to our parents, we are the sun, moon and the stars and their world revolves around us. There is very little pressure other than the preparation for admission to the Lower Kindergarten! However the comparisons begin early, not so much between us kids who love playing, sometimes aggressively, sometimes passively, but between our parents - Mine’s better than yours - the message put across very subtly through talent and skill displays and discussions about milestone achievements.

Then its school time and the pressure begins. We have to learn to share and care. We also have to be disciplined in regard to time, clothes and work. The teacher is firm and fond, but she has a lot to deal with. Her own family and kids for one, and everyone else in between – the parents, the principal, and the playground. Imparting knowledge in a way that everyone understands it the same way to a bunch of 60 + kids is a humongous task. Each one of us kids is unique in shape, size and intellect and we all understand “A” for apple in our own unique ways. Some of us associate it with the fruit and some of us from more affluent households, with the phone – we know nothing of fruit. So the task of a teacher is really difficult. Some parents are supportive of the teacher in her efforts and some supportive of the child in his / her efforts to undermine the hard work of the teacher.

Along the way the teacher has to deal with our fragile emotional subsets which take umbrage at anything she/he does or says that is not in congruence with our world view, and parents who believe that their offspring are always right and the teacher always wrong. At this stage of our life, teachers do not represent a fear factor, rather a temporary replacement of parents, perhaps without the single minded love and worship that they offer their kids – for there are many many children that look up to them as parents in that short period they are with them, but its certainly half way there.

As we grow older and move to higher classes, our perspective changes. We fear our teachers and the consequences they represent for failure. We have to compete with our peers for their affection, and for their ignorance of our misdeeds and misconduct. That fear factor has now been diluted, with counselling supposedly being a better alternative to the cane. The fear of the cane among us kids is now replaced by the fear of the law and parents among the teachers, and the media and NGO’s of questionable character keep a hawk’s eye on this debate. A true revolution or evolution, call it what you may, but now that I’ve grown up with cane marks on my legs, I don’t think it helps any.

My school days are over, and respect has replaced fear. Respect for the struggles of my teachers to make me a better person. My first grade report card read “Studious and Industrious, but can do better”. All the teachers try to do is to make you a better person – at sports, at studies, at relationships and in your values. They don’t succeed in all of these all the time – there are many reasons – lack of time, infrastructure, multiplicity of tasks, lack of interest of willingness on the part of the student, and sometimes interference from the parents, but they don’t stop trying. Many would argue that they are paid for doing just that, but my experience both as a student and as a parent is that they never stop trying. For many if not all, it is a lifelong vocation, not merely a profession and I doff my hat to them.

In a land crazy about degrees and percentages with little respect for education and knowledge, a teacher who tries to impart the latter is often berated for his/her involvement beyond the call of duty by students and parents alike, but realization dawns much later, when lack of employability among the qualified but uneducated peaks. No doubt, as time goes on, the tribe of those who believe it’s a job vs those who believe it’s a vocation will increase to the detriment of the nation, because of the nature of India’s demography and economy, but I believe the government must make efforts through certifications, accreditations and rewards to sustain teaching as a vocation rather than allow it to deteriorate into a profession which at best can get you qualified, but will never qualify you.

My inbox is full: Happy Independence Day

Happy Independence Day, friends wished me on Facebook, WhatsApp and email, filling up all my inboxes! There were pictures of the Tricolour, of the prime minister, of the president, of the parliament building, of the armed forces, and people from different states in the messages. Pictures of so many people and symbols committed to the cause of the nation born 70 years ago. The messages left me glowing with pride in my nation and I shared them with glee.

So many people are celebrating today - How do I know? Television and social media. It seems to me the new definition of freedom is freedom to express your thoughts on social media without being trolled.

70 years in the life of a man is considered a good age to prepare for death. On the other hand 70 years in the life of a nation is but infancy, and there lies the contrast. Since that fateful day in 1947, a lot of water has flown under the bridge. Some bridges have collapsed and some of the water has evaporated, leaving behind barrenness and distress, while in other cases, the cup has overflowed, and never stopped.

There are contrasts too, Great Britain may possibly have to drop the prefix ‘Great’ soon, as the British, our rulers for more than 200 years are themselves struggling to keep their country together. However salt is still being taxed, of our own free will I may add, we still follow British laws to apprehend and punish our criminals, and our criminals now flee to Britain to escape these very same laws. Life goes on, confirming the adage, what goes around comes around.

After 70 years though, we are still diverse, but more united than we were then, better placed financially, socially and militarily, and able to compete with the rest of the world on an equal footing, not as a dominion of another’s will. We are even able to support a few countries in their time of distress, something that we had looked to others to do to us 70 years ago.

So I’m free and I am celebrating. But then I start thinking and I get confused, really confused. Am I free? Is my country free? Is the world free? The more I ask these questions of myself the more confused I get. For while there are no physical restrictions on body, my tongue or my ear, I live in a world where everything is virtually restricted by my fellow human beings, the very same people who fought beside my forefathers to evict the British 70 years ago. They say it’s for my own good. Much like the British did many years ago. Only they were foreign, these are my own. But there are perhaps valid reasons for that.

Freedom can only be ensured by a mature democracy and it will always have a price. Democracy is the rule of the majority, by the majority, for the majority (likeminded people) and therefore freedom will also be circumscribed by what is known as the public good, in other words the good of the majority, and perhaps there lies the fundamental issue.

It can never be an equal freedom as envisaged at the time of the freedom movement, because the goal posts have shifted. Equal freedom is determined by legal equality, which is well documented but rarely implemented, due to economic and social inequality. This is not about to change. However something is definitely better than nothing and we in India are privileged that we have more than just something.

Like in a man’s life, there have been ups and downs in the life of this great nation. Nothing really to be perturbed about. It’s how we ride the crests and brave the troughs that will win us the race… But is it about winning? Winning against whom? And for what, are the questions we must answer, before we share the next Happy Independence message.

World Nature Conservation Day - A Poem

In a pasture full of greens
A cow grazes, a bird preens.
The clean air soothes,
And their chirping heals.
The grass sways, 
And nearby a stream
Flows around a victorious fish
I ask myself
Is this a dream?

Across the mountain,  
Is the scorched desert,
With Cactus, Camels and heaps of Sand,
Once perhaps a pasture of greens
Now different in heat, color and strand
There’s oil below and money above,
Which you choose, is what you love.
Different strokes for different folk
That’s the way the earth was built
Life is made from a destroyed yolk
It’s taken away, but there’s no guilt.

And so we learnt
To destroy to build…
A birdcage, a zoo
With steel and mass
Concrete and glass.
But as we built, we also destroyed
The cactus, camels and the sand
The pond, the stream, and the land

Now what remains is Conservation day
Once a year, it comes around.
We write and speak, and sing out loud
But sadly, cover the same old ground…
As the cactus, camels and the sand
The pond, the stream, and the land
Wither away without a sound.
Conservation should be every day,
If we don’t want to be buried
Underground...

Happy Father's Day - A father's perspective...for a change!

Happy Father's day Father Brian, my son texts me on Whats app from across the world. I love the expression Father Brian! He uses it in both jest and affection. This salutation for me, contains everything that our relationship entails – Love, respect and the occasional verbattle (it has rarely gone beyond that). It also marks a transition in our relationship, based on his previous, 'Dad' or 'Dada', words he first used as an infant, while he crapped on my lap! The journey with him has been extraordinary, the memories and lessons from which I will carry to my grave, while he will have more use for them as he approaches fatherhood, which may not be too far away!

As I transited from from being a son to a father, I found that my son is me... years ago - this generally obedient, occasionally rebellious, naughty when measured against familial and societal norms, perceptually different, secretive, egoistically intelligent, ordinary physical specimen, spoiling for a fight with his dad, even a physical one, if it came to that. That was on the outside, inside he was marshmallow, and not hollow at all, sensitive to my moods, undemonstrative, but deeply affectionate not just to me, but to all whom he came in contact with. And my father was what I am today – generally benevolent, easy going, often moody, occasionally strict, sometimes of his own volition, sometimes brought on peer / family pressure (yes it affects adults too!).

Its interesting, the scriptures say, “I and the Father are one” - John 10:30. This is despite the contrast. They are the two sides of the generational divide; two faces of life that blend in a manner that fulfil the scriptures.

The father son relationship I've realised, is complex – it moves from unconditional demonstrative love to understated and often invisible love and support . At some stage it involves competition, which is complicated by compassion, individual egos, and perceptual differences. It is a relationship that feeds on itself. It can go either way – a permanent unbreakable bonding or a permanent separation that is broken only by a death bed.

I've often put my hands around his shoulders, to comfort him, or just when I felt affectionate. By doing that, I didn't learn his secrets, when I needed to know them most (during his teen years) but I rest confident that I brought comfort to his stressed self – He may differ with me though. The last time he needed a hug was when his favourite, our family dog died. As far as I know, he has not needed one since!. Though undemonstrative, he has often done the same, the last time I recall, when my father died! And it was so so comforting!

'Dada' in a girl's voice!

I've been lucky to hear the words Dada in a girls voice too, and believe me that it has the sweetest sound on sound cloud!. I was the happiest person on this planet, when she was born, unlike my father was when I was born (so said my mother) and by that time, I was not afraid of babies! I could offer her the full scale of my parenting capabilities, some of which were appreciated and and the rest... well they are a part of parenting.. so what!

Fatherhood should be gender neutral but in reality it is not. The father daughter bond, is different. The competition is absent, the compassion everything. As she grows older daintier and delicate, following her mother or her peers into womanhood, the bond changes from one of dependence, affection and occasional admiration, to one of gentle support, pride, and an often un-rehearsed critique of acts and actions. A deep love and concern abides in both, and the occasional hug soothes a thousand wounds. I'll never be a daughter so cannot comment from that side of the fence, but I guess, its as they say - She loves to be dad's perpetual princess, even when she becomes someone's queen!

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms, even when they are empty, and in that, I must confess, I've been lucky, as all fathers are. Here's to fathers and fatherhood!

The Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary– a feast of Motherhood

The birth of Mother Mary or the “MonthiSaibinnichemFesth” as the Konkani community of Kudla / coastal districts calls this feast is celebrated with grandeur among the catholic community in the coastal districts.

It's an occasion when families come together and renew their bonds over a meal that contains grain from the first harvest blessed by a priest at a Eucharistic Celebration. Tradition demands that the family sit down together after the angelus (A prayer to Mother Mary) and taste the new corn in a vegetarian meal (having normally an odd no. locally available vegetables, ranging in number from 3 to 9) served on banana leaves.

The preparations for the grand feast begin 9 days in advance. Children and adults alike, attend daily mass and shower flowers on the statue of Infant Mary in a novena of payer and song. The tradition of showering flowers on the statue of Infant Mary or 'Maria Bambina' is long one. The statue “Maria Bambina” was modelled in wax in 1735 by Sr. Izabella ChaaraFornari, superior of the Poor Clare Sisters in Italy. This statue was venerated in public only on 8 September and due to this public appearance and devotion many were benefitted and hence globally this statue was christened as “Statue of Miracle”. It was transferred in 1856 to the Mother House of Sisters of Charity in Milan (Italy). This statue is in the possession of Sisters of Charity even today and it has been used for spreading the devotion.

The local catholic community however refers to it as “MonthiSaibinnichiImaz” and the reason as to why the feast has become a rage in the Mangalorean catholic community is because it has been handed down to them by their ancestors. The Fransican Church at Arkulla in Farangipet, was one of three built during the 15th century, in the place where the Portuguese conducted their trade. It was at this church, that Fr. Joachim Miranda, started a seminary for Priests called the 'MontheMairano' in 1763. He was attracted by statue of “Maria Bambina” made by Sister of Franciscan, Italy. He introduced this statue to the Monthi Fest and the new spirit and enthusiasm was created for celebration which has only intensified ever since.

History in India

It’s history, that the Portuguese established their rule in Goa in 1510, and began to convert Hindus to Christianity. Converted Christians combined the old with new. They combined their important festivals with the feasts of saints and Mother Mary.  Therefore, currently many Catholic celebratory practices are a combination of age old customs and traditions practiced by theoriginal Hindu GSB community in Goa and  new Christian practices borrowed from the preachers of Christianity. One such example is the distribution of new corn, sugar cane and a few other customs during the feast of the Nativity.

But the tradition of celebration of this feast, actually began at the Shrine of Mount Mary at Bandra, Mumbai, where the feast is celebrated in a grand way – It starts with a nine day novena on the Sunday preceding the feast on the 8th, and continues for eight days.  The traditional celebration was started by Jesuit Priests in 1556.  As the church where is was celebrated was situated on a hill in Bandra, it was called Mount Mary. Gradually it became a pilgrimage site for the converted Christians from Goa and Mumbai.  In Portuguese “Mount” means “ Monthe” and hence, this feast was finally christened in Konkani as “MonthiSaibinnichemFesth” . Since the harvest feast which preceded this “MonthiSaibinnichemFesth” was conducted over nine days, a nine day Novena to Mother Mary was also introduced along with new corn tradition of the feast.   From there these celebrations spread south to the coastal districts, first to Farangipet where the Portuguese conducted their trade and then inward.

History in the world

The Nativity of Mother Mary was first celebrated in the sixth century, when St. Romanos the Melodist, an Eastern Christian who composed many of the hymns used in the Eastern Catholic and Eastern Orthodox liturgies, composed a hymn for the feast. The feast spread to Rome in the seventh century, but it was a couple more centuries before it was celebrated throughout the West.

The source for the story of the birth of the Blessed Virgin Mary is the Protoevangelium of James, an apocryphal gospel written about A.D. 150. From it, we learn the names of Mary's parents, Joachim and Anna, as well as the tradition that the couple was childless until an angel appeared to Anna and told her that she would conceive. (Many of the same details appear also in the later apocryphal Gospel of the Nativity of Mary.)

The traditional date of the feast, September 8, falls exactly nine months after the feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary. Perhaps because of its close proximity to the feast of the Assumption of Mary, the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary is not celebrated today with the same solemnity as the Immaculate Conception.

Celebrating Motherhood

“The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children” – Jessica Lange.  The life of Mother Mary epitomises this unselfishness - from the way she was conceived to the way she gave her life upto the Lord as the mother of his only son Jesus Christ, to suffering along with him during his excruciating crucifixion. It is an example of the selfless love all mothers bestow on their children and their families. Therefore while it is an important feast in the Christian calendar, it is venerated as a feast of motherhood across all communities in the Coastal districts.

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