Satire: The week that was Feb 4 to 10

 Brian Fernandes   ¦     Feb 10, 2018 11:51:12 AM (IST)

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed weekend. So here's the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)

Indian Cricket was on a roll this week, while South African cricket went into a spin. But, cricketers were not the only ones wearing pads this week. Everyone was, with the release of Padman on February 9th. A new period had begun.

But, getting back to cricket, every time Chahal and Yadav, the twins with different bowling arms and styles, came on to bowl in the 6 match One Day International series, the South African batsmen played as if in they were in wonderland – they just stood and admired the white cherry as it looped, pitched and turned. They perhaps believed their bats were wands to wave at the ball from where they stood and it would disappear, only to reappear in the packed stands. Sadly the other shoe was never found and the fairy tale ended there…

It was not just the Indian ‘Men in Blue’ who spun a web around the South Africans. Mitali Raj’s women’s team, also in South Africa for a three match series with their counter parts there, out did their male counterparts with their performance on the cricket field, and are already leading the three match series 2-0. The crowning glory of course, was when the Under 19 boys in blue emerged on top of the world, from down under!

At a mega rally in Bengaluru to mark the end of a long and winding yatra to attract people to their idea of change (Climate Change) in Karnataka, the PM said that his TOP ((T)omato, (O)nion, (P)otato) priority in Karnataka was farmers. His rivals very soon alluded to his TOP priority in reverse, putting aloo first (it’s more nutritious) to the anger and dismay of many who loved their tamatars. The next day, the (stock) market crashed and crashed again the next day and again the next day, wiping out around 8% in Market cap in three or four days. Guys who had invested, couldn’t even come to the Mandis to buy the items on the TOP priority list because fuel prices were at the TOP the LOW ((L)east (O)f (W)orries) priority list. Naturally the prices of this underground (in a good way, mind you) nutrition, collapsed and required governmental support – but the mechanism announced in the budget had yet to be formulated! It must be mentioned that with the proposed bundh to highlight the lack of resolution of the Mahadayi issue having been banned by the Karnataka High Court, there was a huge turnout at the rally, and there was plenty of drinking water (bottled, reports say) there for those who were thirsty, though nobody mentioned the impasse over the Mahadayi river – The water must have come from elsewhere…maybe the Cauvery? Or the Himalayan Springs?

On his return to Delhi, while replying to the motion of thanks to the President’s address in parliament, in a fiery speech made over the noise of the Opposition Members, the PM blamed the Congress (Indian National Congress), its culture of divide and rule and the family of its president through the generations for all the ills of the country, from partition to penury and reiterated his TOP Priority. During the speech, which was like a spread sheet of the country’s problems, the PM resorted to the use of MS Excel’s scenario manager on the ‘What if’ tab many a time, mainly to repaint the past rather than portray the future which it is meant for (says the help tab). These advanced skills were used with aplomb and found favour with Television Anchors and their audiences across the nation. It was perhaps a necessary response to a rather despondent electoral week, during which the ruling party lost all the by polls it contested in two northern states albeit to two different parties, one of which was indeed the Congress and the other had ‘Congress’ in its name!

Meanwhile, we the citizens learnt that we don’t have a right to all information about government activity, while the government does about ours. This was clear from two developments this week - the hearing by a Supreme Court Constitution bench on the constitutional validity of the Aadhaar Card law and the Defence Minister’s assertion in Parliament that the cost of the Rafale Fighter Jet that India is buying from France, under an Inter-Governmental agreement signed by the PM during his visit to France in 2016, is an inter-state secret – it cannot be stated and so the MPs’ appetite for information cannot be sated. The deal was apparently signed in 2016 after much procrastination by the previous government (due perhaps to the flight path of the Rafale Jet) to meet the immediate needs of the IAF – immediate means 2019 under the current agreement. But, there was urgency – This can be gleaned from the fact that two joint ventures were formed immediately thereafter (with Dassault and Thales) by a very Reliable though much less experienced company than Hindustan Aeronautics Ltd - which employs thousands of people in a time when jobs are hard to come by - to execute the offset clause of the deal.

National (in)security was also the reason why citizen data is important – this emanated from the arguments by petitioners in the Landmark Aadhaar Card case now before the Supreme Court’s constitutional bench. The West Bengal government told the Supreme Court on Tuesday that when the corporate sector recognised ownership of data on people's choices as an important tool for success, the NDA government's strategy to make Aadhaar mandatory - from banking to buying a SIM card - was meant to utilise citizens' personal data for political purposes. Appearing for West Bengal and two individuals, senior advocate Kapil Sibal quoted Prime Minister Narendra Modi's speech in Davos, where the PM had said "whoever controls data is the most powerful and can shape the world". Whoever? Do we know him? The last guy I know with that kind of name was J. Edgar Hoover and he was a master of the game.

At least 46 people have become infected with the HIV in a tehsil in the last 10 months, allegedly after a quack used a common syringe to administer injections in Bagarmau in the Unnao District of UP. The accused in this crime, which is akin to a gender neutral brutal gang rape, was nabbed after a week on the run. He was produced in Court on Thursday. It is not clear at this stage, whether a lack of knowledge (even down market barbers use a new blade for each shave), or the cost of new disposable syringes (GST 12%) or just plain malevolence or a combination of these was the prime motive for his actions because his interrogation is as yet incomplete, and the truth may come out only through a syringe, the same one he used on his patients…

In Britain, loneliness is a big problem - so says the Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness. Jo Cox, a British MP, was murdered in June 2016 by a right wing fanatic – maybe his action had something to do with his loneliness. According to research, in Britain, more than 9 million people always or often feel lonely, around 200,000 older people have not had a conversation with a friend or relative in more than a month, and up to 85 percent of young disabled adults – 18-34 year olds – feel lonely. An estimated half the people aged 75 and over live alone in Britain, with many saying they can go days, even weeks, with no social interaction at all.

British Prime Minister Theresa May, who is negotiating an exit from the EU without much internal support, must also be pretty lonely given her political situation, for she acted quickly to alleviate the problem. Recently she appointed the country's first-ever minister in charge of tackling loneliness and combating social isolation. Tracey Crouch, currently minister for sport and civil society in the UK government, will take on the additional role. The UK government has also announced that the Office of National Statistics (ONS) will devise a method of measuring loneliness, and a fund will be set up to help tackle the problem through activities which connect people. India’s political and parliamentary system is a replica of the British system and soon we may have one of our own…

My advice? Stay connected to Newkarnataka.com and this column to avoid loneliness :)

Have a good weekend!

https://www.newskarnataka.com/features/nk-satire-the-week-that-was-feb-4-to-10

NK Satire: The week that was Jan 28 to Feb 3

NK Satire: The week that was Jan 28 to Feb 3

 Brian Fernandes   ¦     Feb 03, 2018 12:38:44 PM (IST)

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed weekend. So here's the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)

The biggest event of the week for those in cities and television studios (death and destruction in Kasganj and an 8 month old baby's rape notwithstanding) was the presentation of the budget. Aptly named bud-get, it is a document that lays out a road map to get the maximum for the government  whose appetite for its citizen’s money has only grown (like its size) since time immemorial. Despite the constraints of the squeezed, no government has lived within its means and lived to tell the tale and that is the back story of the fiscal deficit.

After the budget presentation, the socio-economic divide went beyond the normal caste and religious divide, and entered the realm of class! The ruling classes were a happy lot, even as the middle classes were not after the FM opened his brief case in Parliament - The President, Vice President and the Governors were given a pay hike, this after the Judiciary received a similar benefit last week, while the MP’s were promised an automatic inflation linked hike every five years – so there you have it: the government will ensure that there is a steady inflationary pressure on the economy – to benefit themselves!

The Finance Minister also promised to spend more of our money on Health, (of the poor) (beating Karnataka's CM to the finish line in this game of Monopoly), gas (for the poor), MSP for the farmers and Infrastructure but promised nothing in return to those who actually pay for his largesse – the 3% tax payers of the Country. Ah I forgot, that’s not how it works. Sharing is caring and it’s all about the greater good... of the ruling party.

Jobs I asked. What about jobs? What did you say, was the retort. Can’t you understand that they will come with growth (7.5%) and investment in Infrastructure and MSMEs. For e.g. Pakoda making is now considered an MSME and a reduced tax rate of 25% is applicable because its turnover is less than Rs. 250 crore. It is an employee owned enterprise that generates employment for one directly and so many indirectly! Oh yes. What a duffer I am.

The Budget also made one thing clear - The finances are a cess-pool. Unable to add to the cess pool through indirect taxes, now that GST is in place, it is now the turn of direct taxes to get a taste of the pool – The education cess was raised from 3% to 4% and there will be no cleaning up this cess pool until it stinks enough.

Quickly forgotten by television channels, Padmavaat made waves on the big screen – wherever it was screened. Even as the ‘some people’s court’ overruled the Supreme Court and achieved their objective of a ban in four states, Padmaavat made a killing (pun intended) in the rest of the states! But a rioter will forget how to riot, if he does not do it often enough, and those who organize such events will be similarly bereft of an art form… and so Kasganj. Kasganj is the new R Word – Republic my friend Republic, not Riot – Because that’s what caused the riots there. The NPAs of Vote Banks seem to be on the decline since May 2014. Like the rising NPAs of Nationalised banks, it does not augur well for the republic – or does it? Who can say but the EVM?

There is however a lesson to be learnt from Kasganj. Through Make in India and Start up India, the Central Government hopes to introduce the corporate culture in all forms of public endeavour – but this corporate culture is limited to the proprietorship type, their favourite form of ownership – from celebrating the nation, its flag, its armed forces, its freedoms and sovereignty and even its government and governance. No shareholders or stakeholders are allowed or tolerated under these flagship schemes.

The definition of Benami according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary: made, held, done, or transacted in the name of (another person)). That’s what Shah Rukh Khan and all actors do for a living – on the screen, portraying another man’s life! But being accused of doing it in real life took the cake and unfortunately, the house with it! According to reports in the media, the now a days very active IT Department attached SRK’s Alibaug Farm house as being benami property! He has 90 days to claim it back with a satisfactory explanation. The Alibaug farmhouse, supposedly built for farming purposes on agricultural land, has a swimming pool for agricultural purposes of course – those who till the land must keep themselves relaxed and fit!

Trump’s first state of the Uniom (Union) (sorry about that but, that’s how it was spelt on the ticket printed for the event by the House Sergeant at Arms, not on Twitter mind you) address was a fitness trainer’s delight. I watched it on television and discovered a new form of Zumba. US Congressmen and their guests must have lost a of couple of pounds at least as they stood up and applauded and then sat down in silence more than a 100 times over the course of his speech! Every next sentence was a stand up and sit down moment! Even Melania participated happily in the work out even though she has no need to do it! Their palms, elbows and shoulders too had a work out, as once they stood up, they had no choice but to applaud. Our parliamentarians can perhaps take a leaf out of Congress’s (not our nation’s Congress, which is likely to disappear according to the ruling party) fitness regimen – but then they have their own fitness regimen – running to the well of the house and staying put!

Towards the end of the week the Gandhi Scion attended a rock concert in poll bound Meghalaya suitably attired – in Denims and a jacket to promote his party’s prospects in the poll. However, despite his charismatic presence, it was his jacket that received all the attention he was craving on behalf of his party. It was appropriate for the occasion of course – it was a rock concert after all and he had to protect himself if rocks were thrown! Unfortunately it was a Burberry, and for once apparently not made in Thailand. It is quite possible that he wore it to auction it and raise funds for his beleaguered party after the concert, but dropped the idea later on when he discovered it was gifted to him.

Karnataka’s assembly polls are approaching – most reports say they will be held in April 2018. Newspapers quoted sources in the Election Commission as saying that it will cost upwards of Rs 500 Crore just to find (not even fund) a government. Despite this knowledge, the people of Karnataka appear to be eagerly awaiting a new government and with it a ‘New’ Karnataka – if attendance at rallies, speeches and assertions in advertisements are anything to go by – A new Karnataka with a new flag and higher (much higher) paid civil service employees, but with the same drought stricken districts in the north and polluted lakes in the south. Interestingly building a ‘New’ Karnataka is the dream goal of the same aging people who built the ‘Old’ Karnataka.

But the veterans do keep abreast of what’s new! So there is still hope for a ‘New’ Karnataka. In order to help the rural youth of Karnataka find a suitable government on Instagram, the state Government has in this election year decided to provide “free last mile connectivity (1 GB per month to every user within 1 sqkm of the service provider)” to them at the gram panchayat level (2650 gram panchayats). They also hope to generate employment opportunities. The signal seems strong, but the connection weak.

Have a good weekend!

https://www.newskarnataka.com/features/nk-satire-the-week-that-was-jan-28-to-feb-3

Satire: The week that was Jan 21 to 27

NK Satire: The week that was Jan 21 to 27

 Brian Fernandes   ¦     Jan 27, 2018 12:42:54 PM (IST)

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed and this time, patriotic weekend. So here's the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)

In Davos in Switzerland, as the World Economic Forum (WEF – don’t mistake it for WWE please) discussed poverty in absolute luxury over five days this week, Pakodas, Vada Pav and Dosa - all Indian delicacies – and of course our famous chai, were in high demand in the sub zero temperatures. As a matter of fact anything Indian was, including the country’s celebrated Prime Minister (the first one in 20 years to attend the WEF) who was given the privilege and the honour of presenting the key note address at the inaugural plenary, ahead of Donald Trump. During his key note address, the PM touched on three issues which according to him were plaguing the world – Terrorism (not the kind that happened over the release of an artistic fictional work), Climate Change (not the socio-economic kind) and Protectionism (by the US, not India - The US imposed America First tariffs on solar panels that very day!).

Even as the rich discussed the poor in Davos, the new annual Oxfam survey titled 'Reward Work, Not Wealth' was released. It showed that 82% of the global wealth generated last year went to 1% of the population, while the 3.7 billion people that account for the poorest half of population saw no increase in their wealth whatsoever. Not surprisingly at least .1% of that 1% was in Davos this week discussing the plight of the 3.7 billion who weren’t and could never be! Switzerland is also the place where most if not all of these 1% keep their wealth and possibly they were there for a dual purpose?

In India too, the rich not only got richer, but did so very steeply - The richest 1% in India cornered 73% of the wealth generated in the country last year, a rise of 14% over the previous year, the new Oxfam survey showed. Besides, 67 crore Indians comprising the population's poorest half saw their wealth rise by just 1%. Makes you wonder what these gentlemen really discuss in Davos year after year, doesn’t it?

Ahead of the Indian PM’s keynote address, the International Monetary Fund (IMF), forecast that India would grow at 7.4% in the next fiscal – It will never be clear if the prediction was a pre-determined gift to one of its important members, or if there was a typo in that news report - they may have mistakenly referred to the Indian fuel prices which have grown at a similar rate over the last six months to reach an annual high of, coincidentally perhaps, Rs. 74.00 in Bengaluru this week (Petrol). For those of you who commute, transport, light your homes, power your pumps, or plough your fields with combustion engine equipment or vehicles, and still remain in the dark (not because of high fuel prices) about how the price has reached this level so quickly and so quietly, fuel prices in India follow the pharmaceutical norm for sustained release dosages, which are designed to release a drug at a predetermined rate in order to maintain a constant drug concentration for a specific period of time with minimum side effects!

Generally a state cites a law and order problem, only when it is complicit in it; else it is just the reverse - an order and law problem - Pass an order and apply the law….strictly and objectively. There may be a few anxious moments, but no major hassles.  Ahead of its Jan 25th release (even the release of the Twinkle Khanna film, ‘Padman’ was postponed to accommodate it) Padmaavat the movie was banned by a few states citing a law and order problem because of what they called, ‘hurt sentiments’ among some of their citizenry. Their reasoning was that the rest could go to other states to watch the film if they wanted to. This ban was overturned by the Supreme Court, and the law and order problem became a reality, because ironically, no orders were passed and therefore no law applied. Then revealingly, the states themselves appealed to the Supreme Court to reconsider their order! That appeal was dismissed and artistic freedom of expression reigned supreme in our country… for once. Or so we thought! Sadly it was not to be – reasonable restrictions which are permitted by law on the fundamental freedom of expression were applied by the public on the public in a most unreasonable manner and the film remained canned in those states that had originally banned its screening… Objective achieved. The Central government followed the pictorial maxim of "see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil". It is a state subject after all, but what about the states’ subjects?

Through all of this, it seems to me that no one, but no one (don’t get me wrong, not even I; but I can imagine) understands the plight of the film producer and his entire team – the blood, sweat, tears and of course the money that goes into making a film - when he learns it will be canned (not Cannes mind you!), or he will be caned, or both, at the end of it all. Maybe the time has come for the court to ask the states that ban a film (or any other artistic work) after it has received the concerned authority’s assent, to pay the producer his estimated earnings from that state – on behalf of the protesters of course – it would only be fair. If they want they could recover the costs from them or the tax payer – but that might become another law and order problem… or rather an order and law problem! A vicious cycle indeed.

It’s often been said, perhaps or perhaps not in lighter vein, that marriage transforms tigers into sheep. But it came as a revelation that a television interview with the leader of the largest democracy in the world could produce the same result among Television anchors! Preparing the question paper must have been a nightmare – ‘tis real tough for a teacher to prepare an easy question paper – you knew the questions you wanted to ask but couldn’t ask because it would be from outside the prescribed syllabus – all students know that! Secondly, unlike the CAT, the questions posed must necessarily have lent themselves easily to pre-determined informative answers that educate and celebrate, not imply – else what is the point of an interview? Right said Fred! In the end the anchors pulled off the tough assignment brilliantly and returned to their former avatars as tigers the moment it was done with!

The President this week disqualified 20 AAP MLA’s from the Delhi Legislative Assembly because they held what was termed as an office of profit as parliamentary secretaries – The AAP government said that all these parliamentary secretaries were given by way of profit was a broom (their election symbol), but the election commission believed that the broom was provided for from government coffers and therefore they must be disbarred and recommended the same to the President who accepted the recommendation with alacrity! Luckily for them they are still in a majority in the assembly – for the time being, but the situation is fluid. The problem is the people will pay for, not profit from, the consequent by-polls that the election commission is eager to hold at the earliest opportunity!

The term ‘office of profit’ emanates from a quaint little clause under section 9 (A) of the Representation of People Act and Article 191 (1)(A) of the Constitution that specifies public representatives cannot hold an office under the central or state government that provides them an income of any sort - even a table and a chair to sit on. Nothing in these clauses however debars them from earning an income from other sources, including private sources, the only condition being, it must not be directly from the Government coffers. Unfortunately it is a universally acknowledged fact that only a family that eats together stays together!

Whose river is it anyway? People in a state that neighbours Karnataka, love their beaches so much that they are afraid they may become a dry sandy desert, if the Mahadayi River (Mandovi to them) is not allowed to flow into the Arabian Sea unhindered. See, empathy for a sea is fine, but when it exacerbates human thirst it can make the affected people thirst for blood not water. And water is thicker than blood. Now it is up to the Tribunal to decide whether the people or the sea is more in need of the river’s water, and that decision is unlikely to come before Karnataka’s assembly polls in April 2018 no matter how thirsty people are – that would amount to tampering with the EVM’s and they have been certified tamper proof!

Finally some Monkey Baat! Satyapal Singh, a former Police Commissioner of Mumbai, and now Minister of State for HRD, last week said: “Darwin’s theory (of evolution of man) is scientifically wrong. It needs to change in the school and college curriculum. Since (the time that) man is seen on Earth, he has always been a man. Nobody, including our ancestors, in written or oral, said they saw an ape turning into a man”. Adding or commenting on this gem, would spoil its satirical effect and may amount to monkey business, so let’s leave it there! I do hope King Kong does not wake up from his slumber and turn on mankind! Watch your back!

As we celebrate the 69th year of our sovereignty on the 26th of January, its best we remind ourselves that our freedom is not free – our forefathers worked hard to achieve it and we must work even harder to develop and sustain it.

May love for our country fill our hearts this weekend as we celebrate the Republic Day, and have a good one!

https://www.newskarnataka.com/features/nk-satire-the-week-that-was-jan-21-to-27

Satire: The week that was Jan 14 to 20

 Brian Fernandes   ¦     Jan 20, 2018 05:02:50 PM (IST)

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed weekend. So here's the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)

For a while, even the Chief Justice of Television Prime-time, was flummoxed by the events of state when news first surfaced that Senior Judges (Judges 2 – 5 in terms of seniority) of the Apex Court of India had held a presser at the end of last week. Their presser highlighted their differences with the Chief Justice of India (Supreme Court) on matters of Court Processes and Procedure, from appointment of Judges to assignment of cases based on seniority. The presser apparently followed a failed attempt to resolve the differences of opinion through internal correspondence and discussions on the morning of the presser.

Interestingly, the last time a presser was held by a constitutional authority, zero was assigned an infinite value and brought down a government on its own. Naturally, fear instantly went viral in the studios of television and power. But, age does not create rage like a zero does a hero!

The country’s top law officer called it a “storm in a tea cup” and predicted that it would die down quickly. By the start of the new week, some outside the charmed circle looking in claimed that the differences were resolved through, ironically, a ‘Chai pe Charcha’ on a bright Monday morning in the Court premises. The fairy tale ending appeared to be just that, when a constitution bench excluding the four judges was formed to hear important constitutional matters. It was clear that tea had not helped as much as it does in elections. The latest is that they are meeting over lunch…

The trigger for the judicial crisis appeared to be the death due to natural causes of a Judge who was hearing a case of death due to unnatural causes 12 years previously. What is intriguing television anchors is why judges were vying to hear the same case, when previously everyone was trying to ignore it and its raison d'être. It was also ironical that a Judge could trigger a judicial crisis among his own, posthumously. In our country, justice exonerates the innocent slowly either through persecution or prosecution!

Huggies (the American diaper brand) have been a fashion statement for adults in India since May 2014. If they are worn around the arms, they can come with a lot of benefits – favoured treatment at airports, in deal rooms, meal rooms and election booths. They may get soiled occasionally (you can’t see it obviously) especially when greeting neighbours, because neighbours often have that kind of gooey effect, but generally they have proved beneficial as they cover what they are meant to cover, look good on television and unlike costly suits and boots, they come cheap. Importantly, though they were invented in the USA, they are now being made in India. They are also disposable and come in different sizes to suit a variety of people. There’s only one drawback – they are gender sensitive!

India loves Israel as much as their two leaders love each other as was evident on television –it’s natural, for the two countries have a lot in common – some of which they admit, some of which they don’t or can’t.

For a start, both their countries names commence with an “I”. How significant is that! The first alphabet of the current leaders’ last names follow each other in the English alphabet – naturally there is affinity! They have common enemies, and now, also common allies. They both want the best for each other in defence and trade (one is a synonym for the other) (the Barrack Missile deal worth 500 million USD is back on track) and of course in agriculture – India can learn a lot from a country that has turned a desert that did not belong to them into an oasis of green that does! There are a couple of differences though, mainly in approach – they had no natural resources so they created them (Water for example), India has plenty – so they drain them!

A state in which 3 rapes and a murder (two actually) took place over 4 days, has banned ‘Padmavaat’ from being screened in the state – this despite the CBFC having certified it for screening after much internal debate and external disruption. Apparently, blinding one ‘I’ didn’t help change minds. They want an eye for an eye! The matter went before the Supreme Court which banned the ban. Still however, the banners are out on the streets with none to take them down and put them inside. A thought that comes to mind is that there may be fewer such incidents if people are busy having some clean healthy entertainment – watching an entertaining film without an eye!

India’s strongest cricket team in years, ranked No. 1 in the world, found their batters battered and bowlers bettered in the African Subcontinent. There was Indian Ocean of difference in the way they played. Silly mistakes beyond silly point, added to the misery of the loss of the series. There is one more test match to come, and it is perform or the IPL!

If you can’t listen to bull, you mustn’t stand and watch (except if it’s on a television debate). You will get hurt. In Tamil Nadu, a bull gored to death a spectator watching the now revived Jallikattu – the bull taming sport (Taming of a shrew may be easier). All he was doing was watching. Unfortunately for him, the bull was not – he was just going where he thought he should be going like most of us in India do…

At a closed oval office bi-partisan meeting to thrash out immigration policy, which he wants to be the cornerstone of his Presidency, the American president was quoted as describing Haiti and African nations as “shithole countries”. No way, he said, indicating his preference for immigration from countries like Norway. Either way, India was not mentioned it appears, despite being a large component of the immigrant population. He has denied the remark, saying he used strong language but not the S word. Does a word make a difference to the way one thinks, me wonders. Incidentally, the White House doctors claimed, after the US president underwent his annual medical check-up, that Donald Trump is in "excellent" health and has no cognitive issues – which means he said what he meant and meant what he said! He usually does, unlike most politicians with better cognitive abilities!

It was heartening to see Moshe Holtzberg, one of the three survivors of the Chabad House carnage during the 26/11 attack, return to the scene of his parents’ death at the hands of terrorists 10 years later. The tragic and horrifying incident will live in him as long he lives just as it will in our lives. It creates a connection between our two countries that can never be set aside. A connection born of blood. "It's a very special day. Thank God that Moshe could come again. Mumbai is a lot safer now," Moshe's grandfather Rabbi Holztberg Nachman was quoted as saying by news agency ANI. ‘A lot safer now’ is a significant assertion. Has something changed other than the government?

Have a good weekend!

https://www.newskarnataka.com/features/nk-satire-the-week-that-was-jan-14-to-20

Satire: The Week that was Jan 7 to 13

 Brian Fernandes   ¦     Jan 13, 2018 03:41:20 PM (IST)

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed weekend. So here's the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)

He is not the monk who sold his Ferrari, but it’s quite possible that many sold their Ferraris’ across the world because of the ‘Old Monk!’! The man, not the monk, who created the “Old Monk” flavour in ’54, and built the iconic dark rum IMFL brand into a favourite of immoral ascetics across the nation and the world, the Chairman of Mohan Meakin Ltd, died at the Old Monkish age of 88 early this week. I’m sure young monks will mourn his loss but, will be glad that his legacy lives on, and they won’t miss their Ferraris’ when they sell them!

Early on in the week, the press and social media grapevine was vibrant with news that the White House was moving to restrict the extension of the H1B Visas (a favourite of Indians in the US) pending the grant of green cards or Permanent Residency in the US. The News sent Indians, both in the US, their relatives in India and more so, the Government of India, into a tizzy! After all, how could they find employment for more than 5 lakh people who might return when they couldn’t create employment for the existing resident population?

Ironically however, departing or deporting Indians had no plans to return to their homeland. Reportedly, they were looking at alternate venues like Canada, Australia and Europe for their new abode. Contrast this reluctance to return to India with the news that emanated from an international survey ahead of the PM’s Davos visit (for the World Economic Forum). Gallup International, in its annual survey - Opinion of Global Leaders conducted across 50 nations ranked PM Modi (Net Score 8) among the top three leaders of the world. The top spot went to French President Emmanuel Macron (net score 21), followed by German chancellor Angela Merkel (net score of 20). According to Gallup, 53,769 persons were interviewed globally. In each country, a representative sample of around 1,000 men and women was interviewed either face-to-face, via phone, or through online mediums. Given these statistics, I honestly can’t understand why political commentators in India complain that our Government is not representative of the people when it has been elected with 31% of the vote…

The US government, perhaps realising which side of their muffin was crisper, announced later in the week that it was not considering any such move. Possible too, they were quietly advised that they may lose a defence deal which is their ‘dough’ nut! Or President Trump received a virtual hug which made him change his mind. “What mind?”, you may ask…

It’s awfully cold in the US, at least the North East Coast is – around -20 degrees, reports say. Climate change began to bite the US no sooner than the US pulled out of the Paris climate accord, a pact they said they didn’t need. Maybe, but evidence is to the contrary - the US has had a terribly anti-climactic year. It had 16 weather and climate disasters in 2017, each with losses exceeding $1 billion, the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration said in a report this week. At least 362 people were killed and hundreds injured during the course of the disasters that comprised one drought, two floods, one freeze event, eight severe storms, three tropical cyclones and wildfires, the report said. It’s true - what you can’t or don’t want to change, you have to endure! Trump now says that he might consider re-joining the Paris climate accord!

Despite the socio-economic scene being rather depressing, it’s time to be gay and enjoy. I mean it. It’s the beginning of a new year and a new life awaits those who think and feel comparatively differently from their fellow beings – especially those who believe similarities rather than opposites attract. The Supreme Court, on Monday, said it will re-examine its 2013 verdict upholding the Indian Penal Code's Section 377 criminalising gay sex, as it observed that "a section of people or individuals who exercise their choice should never remain in a state of fear". With this assertion, even a voter can hope to vote without fear or favour…

Despite overall interest rates being low and KYC norms remaining unfulfilled, as elections approach, vote banks are nurtured assiduously by some in the hope that they won’t lose their deposits or others will lose theirs! Mangaluru, on the west coast of Karnataka, is quite the pilot project for this banking experiment. Indeed, it has always been without any firm conclusion. With elections to the Karnataka Assembly due in April, two brutal homicides in Mangaluru, of young men from across the communal divide, was apparently intended to polarize voters and rake up tensions into a tropical storm (only investigations will reveal the true intent). However, the climate change experiment failed as the city, its people, their representatives, and the security forces’ exceptional situational handling, resulted in a meltdown of temperatures back to the polar level. Core temperatures need however, to be addressed separately.

Twitter satire was at its best in a Twitter war between Karnataka chief minister Siddaramaiah and his Uttar Pradesh counterpart Yogi Adityanath, last week. Luckily, Twitter does not afford the option to colour the tweets!

They each advised the other to introspect and improve the way they function for the sake of the people – that’s us… if you had any doubts (we the people, remember?). It was interesting and enlightening stuff - an election campaign with the constraint of limited characters, focusing on life and death (farmers’ suicides and starvation deaths), food and food habits (Indira canteens and eating beef), governance and transparency (ill treatment of Government officers and people’s misery). Lucky for us Kannadigas, both want to build a new Karnataka – one from afar and one from within! However, it is 4.90 crore characters that will decide who will finally build a new Karnataka (nothing much wrong with the existing one though), not 140 characters.

On August 24, 2017, a nine-judge bench of the Supreme Court delivered a landmark verdict in the case of Justice K.S. Puttaswamy vs Union of India, unanimously affirming that the right to privacy is a fundamental right under the Indian Constitution. Privacy is fundamental right, and like all fundamental rights, it comes with reasonable restrictions - For 500 rupees, anyone can peek into your life through your Aadhaar details – so said a major newspaper, and it showed how and paid the price for invading the privacy of the Authority that handles your Aadhar. The Authority has meanwhile, come up with a unique temporary and randomly generated number linked to the Aadhaar for transactions, which is expected to keep your number a secret – but what about all the photocopies of the Aadhaar nos, self-attested at that, lying around telecom counters, banks and other agencies? And how do you generate a number if you are totally illiterate or partially computer illiterate? Ask no questions and you'll be told no lies!. And its best you keep your opinion yourself - Its your right to privacy!

Excitement among Bollywood fans is bubbling over. Two big films are slated for release over the republic day weekend - Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Padmavat (can’t watch with a single eye) and R Balki’s Padman.

Interestingly, both begin with ‘Pad’ but are different – one is about a woman (Padmaavat is the story of honour, valour and obsession of a queen from 13th century India), and the other about a man, (Padman is the story of how one man made a difference in many women’s lives, especially in rural India, by creating a low cost sanitary napkin (Pad) making machine). And, though both the films are slated for a republic day release, you may not have to rise before the movie starts rolling. The Supreme Court has mandated, in an order this week, that while standing at attention whenever you hear the national anthem being played is compulsory, the anthem itself need not be played compulsorily in theatres at the start of a movie… So, choose your Pad and enjoy.

Have a good weekend!

https://www.newskarnataka.com/features/nk-satire-the-week-that-was-jan-7-to-13

Satire: The week that was Dec 31 2017 to Jan 6 2018

 Brian Fernandes   ¦     Jan 06, 2018 03:50:20 PM (IST)

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed weekend. So here's the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)

I thought I’d begin the New Year with a clear head to facilitate clarity of thought, (it was one of my resolutions in 2016 too). So, on the last day of the year 2017 – the last day of the week, the month and the year - I went to my regular hair stylist– I call them hair stylists due to peer pressure – M Hair cutting saloon, for a haircut. I’m glad I did, for the ongoing conversation inside the saloon was very interesting – Each one was asking the other or describing to the other his (it was not a unisex saloon yet – still old school, even though I refer to them as Hair Stylists!) plans for the evening. Everyone had a “Baitak” as they put it, to attend – They were of course referring to a “Chintan Baitak”. The flow of conversation revealed that at such “Baitaks” the thoughts flow at the pace liquids do and indeed find their own level towards the end - Plans to change themselves, change their circumstances, change others and even change the world generally dominated such “Baitaks’, which is really how the world progresses! - Take the case of the American President’s tweet - the social media app with limited characters - on our neighbouring country’s personality traits on the 1st of January – One ‘Baitak’ was all it took for realisation to dawn!

Most of panellists of the Pre-Baitak at the Saloon, were worried about a strong police presence on the roads and threats of disruption of public events of revelry by people who revel in such activity - It would be a great start to the New year for them to make the headlines on the 1st! Which set me wondering – How did our police usher in the New Year? In watchful frustration it would seem. There was no ‘Baitak’ for them - they were on their feet the whole night. I do hope the revellers spared a thought for them, if nothing else, as they allowed the previous night’s thoughts to ferment in their sleep the next day. Without the normal in-built humour I say, thank you Sirs for keeping the peace and keeping us safe that night, so that we may see the dawn of the New Year.

Indians are avid users of the Instant Messaging App – WhatsApp. Most Indians were wide awake at 12 midnight on 31st December 2017, the last day of the year, waiting for the bells to toll, sorry... chime. For, it was when they heard the bell ring, that they would greet and wish their friends and family and possibly all and sundry – on WhatsApp! WhatsApp anticipated this, yet went on an unannounced holiday between 12 midnight and 1 am, when the service was restored, leaving thousands of Indians in a real tizzy, as though their world had come to an end. This was evident from their reactions on twitter – A WhatsApp sibling limited in character. How did we ever greet each other on such occasions in the past I wonder and painstakingly recall - with a hug and a cheek to jowl moment, and not a GIF! Unfortunately I, and I’m sure you too, are very close to forgetting how!

It’s time for resolutions. Make yours and write it in sand. Store the sand in a cardboard box, and accidently burn it! Never put it down on your Google calendar, coz, there’s no escape, not even a fire escape, just as there wasn’t one for the poor revellers in a pub in Mumbai either one floor above or more so below where they were, which resulted in the death of 14 innocent party goers.

It’s maximum city no doubt, but only providence and the Almighty ensured that the tragedy was minimal. Fire is a possibility even in the most ideal circumstances, because all it requires is a spark, but when it occurs due to blatant negligence, people need to be fired on both sides of the business government continuum – that’s a given. But, the ice water factory was at hand and the concerned officials, those way down the pecking order, were merely suspended pending enquiry even as the enquiry itself was entrusted to the man who might necessarily have to be enquired into – in the last week of the year, these can only be called complications of the season!

It was then the demolition man emerged with his axe and a coordinated and unremorseful revengeful attitude and actions over the next few days – leaving many with deep holes in their pockets – Employers and employees alike. It appeared that they were all fired up and no fire hose could touch them – but the irony is, if they had been consistently fired up in the first place, maybe there wouldn’t have been a fire and no one need have been fired!

Speaking of fire, many cities across the world heralded the New Year with spectacular and colourful fireworks displays when ironically, just days before California in the southern United States, suffered from a massive forest fire which even entered Los Angeles.

The sound of the fire crackers was the same as gunfire in a terrorist attack, yet it was welcomed by the crowds – none panicked and ran away, instead they stood rooted to the spot looking upwards with hope tinged with fear as the undisputed Leader of North Korea, in his New Year Message to his nation and world, revealed that while most office goers have laptops or desktops on their tables, he has a nuclear button – which once pressed is not amenable to the Ctrl+Alt+Delete and End Task sequence– It’s shut down time without a reboot. His chess board rival, claimed, ‘Mine’s bigger’.

Two Tamil Nadu’s cine superstars have decided to stop the reel, and turn real. They have announced their intention to float their ‘own ‘political parties to take the state and the country on the path to progress. Till date their on screen stunts have translated into notes, but will they translate into votes is the question on every News Anchor’s lips!

Branding in politics is as important as it is in the consumer business, for voters are, in a sense consumers. So, one of them has branded himself ‘Citizen K’ or one among us – neither above, nor below, but always by the side of the voter, even though Voter always plays within the “V” – If you are a cricket buff, you’ll understand! The other says his brand will be spiritual politics. Everyone knows politics is a spirited game – both the holy and the unholy (Spirit) variety!

Is it a good thing that actors turn politicians? On stage, drama is the hallmark of both, an adept politician and a brilliant actor. They can orate with ease and brilliant voice modulation, emote at the drop of a line, play the victim when it suits the script and the audience, shed tears on call, beat their breasts in anguish at the events surrounding them, roll their eyes in disgust and pain with equal ease. There is one difference – When an actor fibs with what appears to be genuine emotion it’s easier for ordinary people to accept, for we know he’s an actor, and that’s what he does best! So the pinch of Salt is always at hand. But when a politician attempts the very same act…

The National Institution for Transforming India (Niti Aayog), has developed a vision for India - Long sight is 15 years while short sight is three years. It is bi-focal and best viewed with wide angle progressive lenses. But as dawn broke on the New Year, New Week and New Day in 2018, visibility was hardly 50 meters in the National Capital and flight and train schedules suffered disruption – even VIP Contact lenses couldn’t help!

Finally, the CBFC is reported to have cleared the supposedly controversial film Padmavati with 5 minor alterations/cuts. It also ordered the Film’s producers to drop the “I” in its name. I’m not sure how that would make a difference to the content of the film, but the news set me wondering as to what would happen if the iPhone was as asked to do a similar exercise – Would it become an ordinary phone or remain unique? After all, as Shakespeare wrote in Romeo and Juliet, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"

Have a good weekend and a great year ahead!

https://www.newskarnataka.com/features/nk-satire-the-week-that-was-dec-31-2017-to-jan-6-2018