Happy Father's day Father Brian, my son texts me on Whats app from across the world. I love the expression Father Brian! He uses it in both jest and affection. This salutation for me, contains everything that our relationship entails – Love, respect and the occasional verbattle (it has rarely gone beyond that). It also marks a transition in our relationship, based on his previous, 'Dad' or 'Dada', words he first used as an infant, while he crapped on my lap! The journey with him has been extraordinary, the memories and lessons from which I will carry to my grave, while he will have more use for them as he approaches fatherhood, which may not be too far away!
As I transited from from being a son to a father, I found that my son is me... years ago - this generally obedient, occasionally rebellious, naughty when measured against familial and societal norms, perceptually different, secretive, egoistically intelligent, ordinary physical specimen, spoiling for a fight with his dad, even a physical one, if it came to that. That was on the outside, inside he was marshmallow, and not hollow at all, sensitive to my moods, undemonstrative, but deeply affectionate not just to me, but to all whom he came in contact with. And my father was what I am today – generally benevolent, easy going, often moody, occasionally strict, sometimes of his own volition, sometimes brought on peer / family pressure (yes it affects adults too!).
Its interesting, the scriptures say, “I and the Father are one” - John 10:30. This is despite the contrast. They are the two sides of the generational divide; two faces of life that blend in a manner that fulfil the scriptures.
The father son relationship I've realised, is complex – it moves from unconditional demonstrative love to understated and often invisible love and support . At some stage it involves competition, which is complicated by compassion, individual egos, and perceptual differences. It is a relationship that feeds on itself. It can go either way – a permanent unbreakable bonding or a permanent separation that is broken only by a death bed.
I've often put my hands around his shoulders, to comfort him, or just when I felt affectionate. By doing that, I didn't learn his secrets, when I needed to know them most (during his teen years) but I rest confident that I brought comfort to his stressed self – He may differ with me though. The last time he needed a hug was when his favourite, our family dog died. As far as I know, he has not needed one since!. Though undemonstrative, he has often done the same, the last time I recall, when my father died! And it was so so comforting!
'Dada' in a girl's voice!
I've been lucky to hear the words Dada in a girls voice too, and believe me that it has the sweetest sound on sound cloud!. I was the happiest person on this planet, when she was born, unlike my father was when I was born (so said my mother) and by that time, I was not afraid of babies! I could offer her the full scale of my parenting capabilities, some of which were appreciated and and the rest... well they are a part of parenting.. so what!
Fatherhood should be gender neutral but in reality it is not. The father daughter bond, is different. The competition is absent, the compassion everything. As she grows older daintier and delicate, following her mother or her peers into womanhood, the bond changes from one of dependence, affection and occasional admiration, to one of gentle support, pride, and an often un-rehearsed critique of acts and actions. A deep love and concern abides in both, and the occasional hug soothes a thousand wounds. I'll never be a daughter so cannot comment from that side of the fence, but I guess, its as they say - She loves to be dad's perpetual princess, even when she becomes someone's queen!
A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms, even when they are empty, and in that, I must confess, I've been lucky, as all fathers are. Here's to fathers and fatherhood!
No comments:
Post a Comment