Santa is coming, and he has the answers!

Published on 21/12/2016 in the Deccan Herald's "Right in the Middle Column"

 Soon Santa will be here. I am excited, for acche din will soon be mine. But He comes with a clause, and in my case, a host of them.

I am old enough to stop believing that an ageless, wrinkleless man with a luxurious white beard, a peaked cap, rimmed spectacles, a pot belly and a kindly face, padded up in a ball of red wool with specks of snow all over, is going to come all the way from the north pole with a bag of goodies for me, yet I am excited.

As a child, I believed and quaintly, still do, that he was drawn to the tropics by his love for me – and my goodness. But now that I am older, I know better -  It’s  climate change that forces him out of his natural habitat.  Maybe it's true, for 151 nations have been discussing just that in December - I hope they succeed.

For, I remember the times when I was little. I would wake up on the Christmas morning to find a stocking placed below a well lit Christmas tree.  I did not sleep the whole night in excitement, and yet I missed the heavy foot falls of Santa, that other kids told me of.  Still,  as the sun rose, I would find, in the clean stocking placed by the tree, my favorite chocolates and a low hanging fruit, ready and ripe for plucking - sometimes a train, sometimes a car and sometimes a gun... when ISIS was only a figment. 

Perhaps I was luckier than others, for I actually saw him, stealing away one night. I was still a kid of five years when my parents, arriving from Kuwait with me stayed over at my cousins flat on the 2^nd floor, in Mumbai for Christmas. The Christmas spirit was flowing on the eve, and when I was pushed to sleep, it was late - nearly midnight.  I lay me down and pretended to close my eyes.  Within the hour, I heard a sound - a thud and a whoosh!.

I got up and rushed to the window, only to see Santa on a sleigh driving his reindeer in a cloud of snow rushing past my window. I remember that vividly. I turned and rushed to the Christmas tree. Nothing.  Disappointment is too mild a word for what I felt that night.

My aunt was watching me and said that unless you sleep, he will not come. So I did just that. I closed my eyes, but didn’t sleep.  At  first light,  I rushed to the Christmas tree. Nothing again.  I blamed myself. But the memory is still vivid. Perhaps it was a hallucination, perhaps it was real  - but I can’t seem to forget it.

I still believe in that icon of love and compassion, and the goodies that he brings silently and unobtrusively into my life, which, now with climate change, he does,  all the year round.  However, reality often raises questions, to which Santa, when he comes, I am sure, will have all the answers.

Song - I’m a good looking guy

Ch:

I am good lookin guy

I can see it in your eye

Don’t tell me otherwise

Coz your eyes don’t lie

The mirror on that wall

Says I’m everyone’s baby doll

And my selfie can only reveal

My good looks are for real

I can see it in their eye

That I’m a good looking guy

So please please,

don’t let go of mee….

Verse: 1

Come on gal

Lets do a shoot

Ill give you the eye

And the cam wont lie

I’ll give u the key  

And yull take my hand

Twirl me around

All  with pride

My lovely bride….

Verse 2

I look inside

what do I find

I’m lost and lonely

I’m not surprised,

Am  I right, Am I good

I’m twisted and tied

You twirl me around

A really great buy

But inside I die…..

Off beat

I am a good looking guy

The mirror don’t lie,

The camera holds still,

And I sigh….

Bitter Twenty, Sweet Sixteen

2016, Or Twenty sixteen, as it is fashionably called is here.  The world is one year older, but is it one year wiser? Will it be different from Twenty Fifteen?  That's uncertain, but is it too much to hope for?

Perhaps the climate will change... for the better, unlike last year when the summers were cold and the winter was hot, and wet was wet, dude!

 Perhaps the oil prices will be stable and there will be plenty to eat for everybody - not fried chicken, but rice and dal? Perhaps, we will pay a single tax across the country, as compared to the numerous taxes we pay now, and all our children will go to school.

On the flip side,  perhaps Saudi Arabia will trigger WWIII,  and the dictionary will redefine  the meaning of crisis,  as an act of Isis, while Terrorism will feature in school textbooks as the greatest ‘ism’ since Communism!

Perhaps our children exiting college campuses will find a job; Perhaps, the rapists will remain behind bars, while bars themselves will exit the landscape, making for happy families and happier bootleggers; Perhaps parliament will enact the word 'sitting' in letter and spirit...and I won’t find garbage at every street corner and water on my doorstep when it rains. 

All these answers my friend,  are blowing in the wind, which is fast getting to the point when it is being compared in content to the wind you break – and, which this year, could be restricted to odd and even days.

All this and more will appear on breaking news...raising hackles and a stink across our  swacch land, sometimes for the better, but mostly for more breaking news. 

Hope lies eternal. Lovely quote, but when the central word is used in its noun form, it can have disastrous consequences for the future of peace… of the world and of the mind.

My wife too is not immune to the “Winds of Change”.  How can she be, when “development” is the key word for the new year.  She told me it was time ‘I ‘changed….for the better. 

I promised her I would, but left out the details. Politicians often do that – leave out the details, while promising  a new beginning, that often has the same end.

My wife responded by nodding her head sadly. She watches too much television I guess.

Perhaps I will change, as will the world. But the devil always lies in the detail.

1/1/16

A prayer for a Toastmaster’s meet

Bless this gathering of your people O Lord,

Its fifteen days since we last met,

We thank you for the lovely breakfast

And the chance, with friends,

to tete a tete

Now, help us speak,

but after we listen,

Give us the words

and soothe our tension,

help us laugh, but also,

let our hearts melt

and our eyes...

May they glisten.

Prepare us O Lord,

to adorn the  stage

at the curl of a tongue

or a well written,

Well rehearsed page

Our roles today

Were Whatsapped

yesterday

But Lord, it’s your plan,

So, help us fulfill it

In every way.

Today, Help us O Lord

to manage our time

We have about an hour and half

And indeed, it is prime.

You've helped us grow,

So much more,

than what we imagined

or thought we know.

O Lord, Now rest assured,

with a confident core

we are shy, no more.

Last but not least,

Beyond the speech, and Grace's feast,

We thank you Lord for giving to us,

our talents, and gumption

Wonderful  people, and great functions,

through this one and only

Toastmaster’s organization.  

16/1/16

Why ring? I’ll Whatsapp you!

My son got engaged to an enchanting girl at the beginning of the New Year.  I was requested by his fiancée to say a few words on the occasion… and I was pleased to be offered an opportunity to give him a piece of my mind, that too by his fiancée.  So there I was center stage after they had exchanged rings in a brief engagement ceremony.  As I took stage, my son got agitated, wondering if I’d toast him or roast him.

I began by asking the couple, to hold hands till I finish. They frowned, but did it. I then asked them, what in hell were they doing, getting engaged on world peace day?

I told his friends, that even though I put my arm around him often, I was not privy to all of his secrets.  They heaved a sigh of relief. I then revealed one. The couple often pursued their romance at my brother’s house, and it was he who tattled. As they were leaving his abode one day, she asked him to give her a ring. He replied – Why ring? I’ll Whatsapp you!. He realized his mistake pretty fast, for here he was with a ring - a real solitaire....not a ‘smart phony’ (Smart phone) one.

Addressing his fiancée, I said, my son knows how to handle women, and make them dote on him. Her eyes widened in fear. What was I about to reveal?

Just that, he was given birth to by one, was brought up in the laps of 11 others,  and was doted on by his maternal grandmother (a mother of 15, 12 girls and 3 boys) who is 93 and was at the venue to check out the new woman in his life!  She could’ve sent her blessings by whatsapp, on which she keeps herself abreast of her children’s, grand children’s and great children’s and son in law’s shenanigans, but she didn’t. Dutifully, still holding hands they went down to her seat and received her blessings and possibly well hidden secrets to a flock of kids…

I then went to a little secret of my own - A little while before the love birds decided to feather a nest, I found myself in a dilemma.  My daughter, four years younger than the bridegroom, opened a line of conversation that was headed into forbidden territory.  “Dada , I want a sister”, she said.  We were very giving parents, but some things were beyond us.  So I said,  “Tell your brother to find you one. She did, and the rest is history!

I concluded with these words, “It was Michael Leunig who said “Love one another and you will be happy.  It's as simple and as difficult as that”, and  in explanation,  I told them that the longer they held hands, the less chance there was, that the rings would fall off.

They smiled,  but kept holding hands till they had to break apart and shake mine!